The past few weeks have been a bit rocky, to say the least. I am generally an agreeable person, and there is seldom a time when I intentionally swim against the current. That is exactly what has been happening, though. There is a willfulness not only in my behavior, but deep inside me. I resent the fact that I still have to attend outpatient therapy sessions, and I am discouraged by the fact that I am not "better" yet.
This week, however, that I received a piece of insight that piqued my curiosity. The situation in John 5 was brought up, and specifically Jesus' words to the crippled man were brought up.
"Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
"Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
Why did Jesus ask the man if he wanted to get well? Why didn't He simply perform a miracle? There is something in Jesus' question that throws a hint to hidden thoughts. The man had been "an invalid" for thirty eight years. Thirty eight years is a long time for anything to persist. It is possible that over the course of he had become comfortable in his suffering?
I can definitely see myself within the man. I have become comfortable within my four years of suffering. Just as He asked the man if he wanted to be well, Jesus has asked me if I want to be well, and I have answered in the same way...with excuses.
There is always going to be a stressful class. There is always going to be a busy schedule. There is always going to be something that causes anxiety or makes me want to skip a meal.
The simple fact is that change is hard. It is uncomfortable and messy and I haven't met one person who would say they enjoy change. I am a terrified five year old who is convinced that if I stop sleeping with my favorite blanket the world will surely end.
The stakes are much higher though.
The stakes are much higher though.
Later in John 5 Jesus says to the man who was healed "See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you." The man was healed, and there was no turning back. I have been healed, but I continue to look back as if there is something left for me in the past.
There is nothing left for me in the past.
I have felt a sense of control, but letting go of something I have clenched with white knuckles is painful. Believe me, every day is a battle. The only way I can move, though, is with a step of faith. That step may not always be forward. Sometimes it feels like a step sideways. One thing is for sure, though, if I want to be truly healed, making excuses and stepping backward is not an option.
xoxo,
jkd
