Episode VI: Return of the Jordyn

"It was her habit to build laughter out of inadequate materials." -The Grapes of Wrath

Whoa, she lives. 

It has definitely been a minute since I wrote anything meaningful that wasn't a paper analyzing the use of symbolism in a 20th century novel. I am mentally trying to construct a thesis for this post and am coming up blank, which means this is going to be ramble-y and unfocused. Maybe you'll get a glimpse into the chaos that is my mind. 

So, what has happened since my last post on January 1, 2017? The better question would be what hasn't happened since then? I'll give you the rundown. 

I met a guy, my best friend graduated from college, I got a few concussions, I got some hardware removed from my arm, my LITTLE brother started driving, I met some great people, I traveled to 9 different states, went to 6 weddings, I met Princess Aurora and Pocahontas, was gifted Gillian Anderson's shoes, started my LAST year of college ('bout time...), and... oh yeah, I got engaged. 

And I don't remember a second of it. 

Kidding... 

Mostly. 

In all honesty though, the past two years have been crazy. It blows my mind that it has been that long since I have posted anything. The primary reason that I started this blog was to share my eating disorder recovery story, but that feels like a lifetime ago. I can't even remember the last time I felt the need to skip a meal or count calories. I do remember eating two bowls of pot roast last week, though. 

Now if I could only figure out how to stop giving myself concussions... (who falls out of a lofted bed and runs into an open door?!)

I'm excited to hopefully get back into writing, though. As I said, this started as a way to share my testimony, morphed into my recovery journey and how God was moving in my life, and morphed again into testimony: part II--because my testimony is apparently a Star Wars-length saga over here. Now I'm hoping to return to the heart of what this blog tried to get at: how God is working in my ever-changing life. It is helpful for me and my spiritual growth, but my hope is that it becomes beneficial for someone else, too. All three people who are still following along at home. 

Hopefully I can make this a weekly thing again, but with student teaching in full swing we will see how faithful I remain. Writing is certainly therapeutic for me, and I am going to need ALL the therapy and self-care for the next 11 weeks. 

So, here's to starting new chapters. Here's to looking back on past chapters, seeing struggles resolved, and coming out the other side a stronger, more resilient person. Here's to learning how to be an adult, and here's to sharing God's presence in every corner of my life. 

Cheers, 

jkd 

Less Bitter, More Glitter

"Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional." - Glenda Cloud 

2016 is over? What? Are you sure? How did that happen? Did I miss a day or two?

I blinked and this year was over, yet there was an unbelievable amount of good (and not so good) that has happened in the past twelve months. I read the post I wrote at the end of 2015 and it inspired me to reflect on all that has happened this year. 

Something that seems so trivial to me now is probably one of the biggest accomplishments and changes of this year. At this point last year, I was well on the way to a full recovery from my eating disorder, and rarely felt anxious during regular meals. This year, however, I can confidently say that my mind no longer even ponders the same thoughts. I am a normal girl again. I eat my body weight in chocolate and pasta and I love every second of it. I am sure a big part of that shift came because I am no longer cheering, hence, no longer worrying (consciously or unconsciously) about my weight, flying, and being "easy to lift." I'm no doctor, but I will say that my mindset changed after the accident. I don't think that is coincidental. Suddenly starving yourself, after surviving what probably should have been a fatal crash, seems like a very unwise test of fate. 

Which leads me to another huge occurrence 2016. There was this accident that happened in February and I almost died, no big deal. I know someone is going to scold me for being so flippant, but humor has been the best way for me to cope with all the aftermath that has come with it, and do fully recognize how differently the situation could have turned out. (See my post about the accident here) I still have no recollection of that weekend, something for which I have come to be extremely grateful. As time passes, though, I am just a tad bit curious as to how everything actually happened.

Almost a year removed from all the chaos, though, I am unbelievably grateful for everything that has happened. I certainly wouldn't want to experience it all again, once was DEFINITELY enough, but it taught me so many valuable lessons. The thought of changing any of it fills me with a bit of trepidation.

It definitely taught me that I have more strength in my little body than I ever could have imagined, figuratively and literally. Some of the is me, a mindset of determination, but most of that is God. I swear, I've cheated death way more times than any 22-year-old should. Though I may have more hardware in my body than Iron Man, I'm just grateful to be re-assembled in one piece with no lingering pain. 

Taking another semester off from school was probably one of the toughest consequences of it all, but the summer allowed me to ease myself back into work and school while continuing to heal. While I was able to take a summer class, it wasn't until September that I was really forced to start swimming in the deep end.

I started the new school year knowing that I had slight memory and attention issues, but I foolishly assumed that my brain remained unchanged and returning to campus would be a breeze. 

School became more difficult for me to handle. For the first time since, well... ever, I had to make a conscious effort to focus in class, take diligent notes, and study everything. If I didn't write it down, there was approximately a zero percent chance I was going to remember it, and that was the most frustrating part. I had always been good at school. Academic challenges always came naturally to me, but that is no longer the case.

I was able to learn even from that, though. I never knew what a student's experience was like when struggling through material. I only had the perspective of a naturally gifted student who never really had to try too hard. Having a head injury, though, gives me an empathy that I would have never experienced firsthand had the accident not happened. So, really, crashing into a snow plow is going to make me a better teacher, right? 

This year truly has been weird and formative, and fantastic and strange and wild and I'm not entirely convinced that I ever regained consciousness. Am I in an anesthetically-induced parallel universe where Donald Trump is now the President Elect? Ha! you don't think I could really talk about 2016 without mentioning one of many unbelievably weird things that happened, did you? I promise, that is all I will say. 

While 2015 certainly gave me a sense of clarity and direction, 2016 forced me to be more intentional in my life. 

I now have to consider things I never had to before. Driving in weather conditions, considering the likelihood of a migraine, writing EVERYTHING down. Being intentional is something I have watched a million TEDx talks about, but would have never implemented without forceful circumstances. I suppose this year made me slow down a bit and actually consider what in the world it is that i am actually doing with my life. Going to school to achieve A's is not a life. Pursuing a passion, actively giving to those around me, participating within and experiencing the world? THAT is a life.

Highlights of 2016

NEW YORK with my best friend!

  One of these days I really do need to sit down and write a post about how wonderful it was! 

  Being less than 100 feet away from Princess Tea Leoni and The Handsome Tim Daly and the 

  Spitfire Bebe Neuwirth and some other cool MSec actors 

Not dying?

  Did I mention I was within spitting distance of TIM DALY? Soo Dreamy...

Junior Senior

Visiting the Kaminski House

  Being asked if my Insta post could be used for Georgetown marketing

Doing everything I should have done my freshman year of college

Chatting (and eating lunch!) with Dr. Brad about his Peace Corps experience 

Having a solid plan for the next 5 years of my life (Don’t worry, I know God is sitting on his throne laughing hysterically right now)

Not dying!

MAKING IT THROUGH A NORMAL, UNINTERRUPED SEMESTER OF COLLEGE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER 

Becoming a Writing Coach 

Finding charities and causes I can stand behind 

  (cough, cough you should check out UNICEF cough cough) 

February 12, 2016

"She could not make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. And when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars." R.M. Drake

This has certainly been long-awaited and much overdo; perhaps it is the incredulity of it all that urged me to share. I promised this post before the dust had even settled, but it has only been within the past few days that I have been able to form coherent thoughts about the events of the past few months. \

Mere weeks after the accident I posted a litany of jumbled thoughts, hoping that I would be on the fast track to normality. Recovery has certainly been a longer, more difficult road than I anticipated, though, and it is only three months later that I can say I may be close to a baseline normality.

Sharing this makes me extremely nervous, but I know it is only to glorify God. As the apostle Paul said "Now I want you know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel." Philippians 1:12

*Note: I don't remember any of Friday or Saturday, everything I know has been told to me by my family and friends.

Friday, February 12 was a frigid evening, and it had begun to snow while I was at work. Around 9:30 I left, intent to return to school where I had a weekend filled to the brim with homework, assignments, and papers. I pulled out of the parking lot, and that is the las t memory of the evening I have.

For good reason, my parents didn't show me pictures for a long time

There were white out conditions and I collided with a salt truck. The driver was fine, but my car was totaled and the salt truck had to be towed. After telling the first responders my name, birthday, and mom's name I was rushed to Grant Medical Center with a multitude of broken bones and internal injuries. 

I was in the ICU on life support for nearly 15 hours before I was stable enough for corrective surgery for my arm. Once I was finally able to breathe on my own, the first words I spoke were "I have assignments to do!" At least we know my priorities hadn't shifted.

Sunday afternoon is when my memories return. I knew I had been in an accident, but somehow I never doubted my survival. For a long while I was angry that I couldn't remember that night. Now, I am able to see that it is just another way in which God had his hand over me.

Monday came, and I was barely able to walk down the hallway without an overwhelming sense of dizziness and nausea consuming me. Climbing stairs made me feel as though I was passing out, yet I always felt an overwhelming sense of strength within me when leaving the bed. I never pushed myself to an unattainable limit, rather I never questioned what I knew was possible.

And somehow I was able to go home five days after being admitted.

By no means was I healed, but I was walking, talking, and breathing on my own... Much more than could be said on Friday night.

The road to recovery would be long and painful. I would have to withdrawal from school, leaving my semester unfinished. I would have to do physical, occupational, and speech therapies to regain strength, cognition, and balance. (And I would just like to point out the fact that I was able to help my brother with math homework)

Seeing pictures, hearing stories, and reading the police report continue to leave me bewildered. How did I survive such an impact? How was no one else injured? It could have turned out so much worse, but it didn't. Those questions have brought perplexity, but they have also brought uncertainty.

While I have always known this is a story that needs to be told, time has left me fearful. Do I share too much of my life? This isn't my story, though. This is God's work, his medium just happened to coincide with my life.

I am not the main character of this miracle, though. God is the protagonist of this story hundreds of people are responsible for prayers that allowed to story to continue. My moves toward a full recovery would be insignificant without the prayers of those who surrounded me and my family. The number easily spans the country, from California to South Carolina and I could not be more grateful.

While I am still plagued by constant headaches, I got behind the wheel for the first time almost three months after the accident to the day. I am slowly easing myself back into school by taking a summer course, and it is going better than I thought it would. (and has revealed that my leisurely pace post-accident is still considered intense.... who knew?)

As is my hope with all my posts, it is my hope that this brings comfort to someone, restores hope for someone, reveals the light of God to one person. He is the only reason I am alive and healthy and on the road to a full recovery.

"So they cried out to the Lord in their distress, and God saved them from their desperate circumstances. God gave the order and healed them; He rescued them from their pit. Let them thank the Lord for His faithful love and his wondrous works for all people." Psalms 107: 19-21

Glory be to God,

xoxo,

jkd

Life Isn't a Competition

"Progress, of the best kind, is comparatively slow. Great results cannot be achieved at once, and we must be satisfied to advance in life as we walk, step by step." - Samuel Smiles 

By now you have surely noticed a theme. I expect nothing but excellence from myself, and I view everything as a competition. Getting the best grades, being the busiest, being the fastest to heal...It's all a race.

After having knee surgery my sophomore year of high school, I was told I wouldn't be able to cheer for another six months. So naturally, I threw a backhandspring at tryouts less than two months later.

Taking last semester off allowed me time to regroup, to examine why my competitive ways drove everything I approached. (See my post To the Perfectionist) As the saying goes, though, old habits die hard. As soon as I stepped back on campus, my need to be excellent returned. It was as if the break that had taught me so much had been erased. I dove in head first, determined to ace every one of my eight classes.

Everything is a competition. If I was in a bracket, I would be sure to have difficulty of schedule and most points scored. It would only make sense to send me to the next round...

Life sent me an upset, though.

Unfortunately, I am foolishly stubborn and I don't learn from my mistakes until I've made them multiple times. 

Everything isn't a competition. This isn't March Madness, and no one is a number one seed. Maybe Mother Theresa is, but I surely am not. 

This school year has been more than unpredictable. Just as I felt myself catching up, I stumbled again. My classmates are graduating next year; they are getting married and starting their careers. I, on the other hand, am at home asking my mom to cut my food. What am I doing?

I'm healing.

Rushing back to school isn't going to earn me a medal. Returning to class won't make me graduate any faster. My parents have had to remind me (almost daily) that it will only cause me disappointment and feed my anxiety as I watch my grades suffer, forget assignments, and struggle to read. School is always going to be there, that doesn't change simply because my priorities have.

Life isn't a competition. There is no prize for "most credit hours." Employers don't care who set the curve. Breaking news: they don't even mind if college takes you five years to complete. There is no rush. The world won't stop spinning and there is no reason to compensate for lost time. Life is a journey, and there is nothing wrong with a momentary time out.

If I have learned anything in the past month, it is that my sights have been set for a finish line, a podium. Every day is a blessing, though, and I have taken each for granted. I must learn to go slow. I must learn to take this life breath by breath.

xoxo,
jdk

Welcome Back...

"Let us pick up our books and pencils. They are our most powerful weapons." Malala Yousafzai 

I love school, and I absolutely adore mine.

I started school on January 11th, and I knew this semester was going to be completely delightful. I was reunited with my best friend, we were cheering on our Cougars from the sideline, and my course schedule was packed full.

I began the semester with 15 hours, but because of scheduling mishaps my advisor added a course, taking me to 18 hours. She kept telling me to drop a class. It's not a race, 18 hours probably isn't the best coming off of your furlough.

Naturally, I ignored her advice and kept all 8 classes and handled it gracefully. I was looking forward to the weeks upcoming when cheerleading would end, and late night practices would allow me more time to do homework and sleep. For the time being, I knew I could balance it all, though.

I hit the ground running, and I returned to campus more ready than I had ever been. I was ecstatic to be back on campus, and I wasn't going to take a single second for granted.

My education classes excited me for the future and my English classes brought me to life. How great is it that I was receiving credit for two classes that allowed me to read and discuss short stories, poems, and plays?!They actually let me read, discuss, and watch adaptations of Shakespearean plays...

For the first time I was taking a drama course, and I was given the opportunity to advertise for MVNU's spring play. I had never been involved in a production, and to be quite honest, it made me extremely nervous when I scanned the syllabus. It ended up being a great experience I was looking forward to. Even though drama had never been an interest of mine, it quickly became one! I couldn't wait to sell tickets and unveil opening night.

Going back to cheerleading was just another aspect of returning ot MVNU that filled my life with joy.  I was given the opportunity to cheer on my Cougars, I was stunting again, and I got to do it all with my best friend in the air with me.

I couldn't be more grateful for the first four weeks of Spring 2016. It was absolutely everything I imagined returning to MVNU would be and I can't wait to begin my journey as an Integrated Language Arts major!

****

I have been sitting at home, unable to do anything for nearly three weeks. It finally became too much to bear, and the writing bug bit me again. While I'm not supposed to be using the computer, I couldn't stop myself from writing another blog post. Sure, it took me much longer than it normally does, but I'm hoping my writing hasn't suffered too much. 

This surely wasn't the first post you were expecting after everything that has happened. For that, I'll apologize. I want to share what happened, but I'm not positive I'm ready to do that just yet. It is probably going to remain a draft until it is deemed acceptable by my tired, editing eyes.  Eventually I'll share, but right now, I just needed a dash of positivity in my life to reveal how glorious the first few weeks back to school have been. School is truly where I belong, and I wouldn't depreciate that by starting with any other post.

Excuse me while I take a nap now...

thank you for being patient with me,
xoxo,
jkd


**Disclaimer: I apologize if my writing has changed or suffered in any way. You'll learn why in the near future.

But for the Grace of God

"Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I have ever been." Iain Thomas 

As I get older, I have found that my parents weren't lying when they said "time flies." It seems I was just celebrating my 20th birthday, fretting about what I would eat, stressing about the lack of organization, and trying not to have a meltdown in the middle of Northstar Cafe.

Fast forward 12 months, I have rediscovered the joy of life, I have a permanent smile stretched across my face, and finally feel like I am becoming the woman God intended me to be.

Last year was characterized by multiple rounds of treatment, and a girl who had no idea what she was doing with her life. I had no direction, I felt no joy; my only ambitions were staying skinny and maintaining a superb GPA. 2015 looked as if my goals would remain the same.

Reflecting on the first few months of this year, I feel as though I am reading the words of a different person. In a way, I suppose I am reading the words of a different person. My words seem so ridiculous now, but at the time, they were exactly what I needed to say. How have I undergone such a drastic transformation in just a year?

Change is one of those things that we often don't see on a daily basis. Perhaps we do not even notice a shift after a month, but how beautiful is it, that at the end of the year we can reflect on the past 12 months that lay behind us and see just how much a year can hold?

If you have known me for any length of time, you are probably aware of just how uncomfortable change is for me. I live miles within my comfort zone, and rarely venture outside of it. It is no coincidence that my favorite ice cream is vanilla. I absolutely do not rock the boat, so it only makes sense that a year of changed would be a year of forced change. 

If change were left to my own decision, it would never happen. I'm sure we all possess a bit of that stubborn will. Who wants to be uncomfortable when life can remain the same? The only problem? If you change nothing, nothing changes. Feel free to quote me on that, I'm publishing my profound, philosophical musings in 2017.

As one who has always looked forward to school, I began September knowing that the semester ahead would be one of the longest and most painful. Then something incredible happened...it became one of the best experiences I could have imagined.

Not even two days after receiving the devastating news that I would not be returning to Mount Vernon, I was in the classroom of one of my favorite teachers asking her if I could be her shadow for the semester. I'm not sure why, but she agreed, and the following months taught me more about myself than I ever would have learned while in school.

I immediately began volunteering, and I can safely say that I was quite taken from day one. I had considered English Education as an underclassman in high school, but from a young age I have been convinced that passion and career cannot overlap...what a devastating concept to internalize!

Barely two weeks into my volunteering I knew what needed to be done. I was going to change my major from Psychology to Integrated Language Arts Education. It is something I thought about, prayed about, and worried about for a good while, but I made the change, and I couldn't be more excited. But really, one of my textbooks is a complete collection of Shakespeare works, and you would have thought I bought a golden pony based on my excitement when it came in the mail...

I am so grateful for this leave of absence. I am so grateful my mom suggested volunteering at the high school. I am forever grateful for the teachers that allowed me to crash their classrooms.

The readmission process was a frustratingly bumpy one, but even that facilitated growth within me. I am more aware of everything that goes on behind the scenes in a college admissions office. I now know why there are timelines, and how decisions are determined. I learned how to effectively communicate with those who held my fate in their hands. And I may have learned how to send emails with read receipts, high importance marks, and deadlines for response, because "Dreams don't work unless you do." 

2015 has most definitely been a year of twists and turns. I have always made the comment that if God wants me to do something, He better give me a billboard with neon lights and arrows that I can see from a mile away.

So, if you're ever feeling frustrated that you are in need of the same measures, keep in mind that God allowed me to be  forcefully "suggested" to "take a break" simply so I could readjust my sails a bit. I need big signs, but I certainly wasn't expecting one that grand...

Despite the unpredictable ride this year has taken me on, I wouldn't change a thing. I am most certainly not the same person who began 2015, nor should I be, and that is the greatest gift of all. The year has created a strength, a tenacity, and an assertiveness within me that I wasn't even aware could exist within meek, little Jordyn. I am so proud of the person 2015 has forced me to become.  

Thank you so much to everyone who has walked this journey with me! May there be many more updates and blogs filled with joy in the New Year!

xoxo,
jkd

Highlights from 2015
- Being inducted into Psi Chi National Honor Society
- Forming relationships with some of the best professors EVER
- Stunting with Morehead State All-Girl
- Turning 21
     - Drinking Lemonade from a wine glass on my birthday
     - Trying wine at Christmas and hating it
- Kentucky National Showcase with the team
     - Being stranded in Kentucky due to bad weather...
- Rediscovering my love of writing
- Volunteering
- Watching a member of the Wolf Pack become the first American Ninja Warrior
- Vacation to Myrtle Beach
     - Day trip to Charleston and Magnolia Plantation
- The Farmhouse and their baked apples....
- Working at Joann's
- My parents making it to 20 YEARS!
- All the books I read!
- Enjoying Christmas again!
- FRIENDS!
- Starting this blog

It's Official...

"A woman is like a tea bag. You'll never know how strong it is until it's in hot water." -Eleanor Roosevelt 

This morning began as every day before it has. My alarm went off and I trudged groggily down the stairs to retrieve a steaming cup of coffee. I then hurried upstairs and returned to the warm solace of my bedroom where I readied myself for the day ahead.  

I strolled through the empty halls of the high school and patiently waited for Mrs. B to unlock her room. I was looking forward to another routine day grading papers and observing the magic that is a high school classroom.

I was perfectly content grading "In Cold Blood" quizzes and unit tests for most of the morning. Nothing spectacular had happened, but I was happy to be volunteering my time helping out a teacher that has been so important in my life. 

It was then, at 10:16 a.m., that the email I had been praying for arrived. 

"Dr. Browning contacted me to say that you are cleared to return for spring semester." 

I nearly jumped out of my chair as a flood of excitement consumed me. I scurried into the hallway and immediately called my mom. "I'm going back to school!" I laughed through the joyous tears that streamed down my cheeks. A smile stretched across my face as I felt a huge weight crumble from my shoulders. 

I returned to the classroom,  barely able to contain my euphoria, and sat quietly grading papers for the next hour, texting a simple "I'M BACK IN" to my dad. Emojis were obviously included. 

The 5B lunch bell rang, and that was my cue to finish up. Before leaving the high school, though, I had to make one stop. I slid through the rush of students heading toward the cafeteria, grateful I was tiny, and ecstatic I no longer had to push my way through these masses on a daily basis. 

I reentered Mrs. B's warm, inviting classroom unable to harbor the tremendous news for much longer. 

Aside from my parents, she is one of the only others who has known the details and happenings of the dramatic saga that has become the past three months. It has been such a blessing to have someone involved who is able to be objective, yet is so invested in my future. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement, and I couldn't be more grateful. 

As I continued on with my day, it was impossible for me to shed my smile. For the first time in weeks I didn't feel frantic. I didn't feel like time was running out. I didn't feel like my hopes of returning to school were slipping away. 

I was in. 

It was only when I finally arrived home that the reality of the situation hit me in full force. I stepped through the doorway to feel a rush of warm air hit my face and a wave of exhaustion wash over my body. 

I have been worried about my return to school since the day I was told to take a leave of absence, but I have been frantic, fretting my return since the beginning of November. It was only then I was informed of the re-admission process. With Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks thrown in the mix, it gave me very few working days to check off the laundry list of requirements I would need to fulfill in order to step foot on campus.

The past several weeks have kept me operating on stress and adrenaline. I've kept my head down and focused on accomplishing everything on my "Return to MVNU checklist." Today it all converged and I was finally able to take a breath, and that is when it all finally caught up with me. 

It has been the most wonderful kind of exhaustion though. I am going back to school. I am returning to my second home. I am returning to a place filled with friends, with family, the place that will unlock the key to my future.

I could not have asked for a more perfect birthday and Christmas present.

God is so good.

xoxo,
jkd