A Spirit of Gratitude

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or we can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." 
-Abraham Lincoln

Eventually everything is going to work itself out. It may not be on my timeline, it may not be the picture I painted, but everything will work out. 

It's a line my mom has been feeding me for years. Recently, though, it seems she has had to repeat the truth just a bit more often. I am quite the worrier, and every bump in the road seems to cause me more distress than it should. I have a bad habit of catastrophizing any given situation. I deny there is even a problem, then when that plan falls apart I immediately jump to worst-case scenarios. I go from zero to sixty in no time flat. 

If you would have  caught me a month ago, that is exactly the scene you would have watched unfold. I was in complete denial that there was even the slightest possibility I would not return to campus for the fall semester. Then, in a matter of minutes, everything came crashing down around me. Things tend to hit you harder when you aren't prepared, and I certainly wasn't prepared. 

So telling me five weeks ago that I would be happy - grateful even - probably wouldn't have gone over too well. I would have had to stifle the urge to punch you in the face (Let's be honest, we all know that I would never actually be able to punch anyone, but believe me... the thought would definitely have crossed my mind.)

It's September 30, clearly time to embrace autumn. 

But that is exactly what I am today; I am grateful. 

I am grateful for a school that cared for me enough to make a difficult decision. They recognized how important school was to me. They recognized how high my GPA was, but they also recognized that I would never make the decision to willingly take time away from school. It was through horribly unfair, completely botched protocol, but MVNU and every person I have encountered there truly wants to see me succeed. There are a select few professors and staff members who definitely have changed my life and are willing to do whatever it takes to get me to graduation. 

I am grateful for a God that has a plan for my life. For fifteen years I have kept my head down, and worked diligently to be the perfect little girl. In the midst of pleasing everyone around me though, I got lost. I found myself a college junior with absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had spent the better portion of my high school and college careers pursuing tracks that I believed would make those around me happy. Though I am terrified to follow through with the plans He has for me, I have an odd sense of peace that I know can only come with faith and obedience to Him. 

I am grateful for parents who have supported me. Both my mom and dad have been by my side since day one, but over the past year they have been champs. They have poured thousands of dollars into treatment for me. They have learned about the neurobiology of eating disorders. They have ceaselessly encouraged me, and they have stood behind me in a time of dark uncertainty. While I don't think both are completely on board with me choosing such a drastically different path so late in my college career, it hasn't changed their outlook for my life...They want me to be happy.

I am grateful for teachers who have allowed me to crash their classrooms. Had I been in school I would have continued on as a psychology major and I never would have given teaching a second thought. God works in mysteriously subtle ways. This is not one of those times. There are neon signs flashing all around me directing me through the fork in the road.

The teachers I am assisting have assured me that I am the one doing them the service, but I would be lying if I said it was a one-sided experience. It brings me so much joy to see the process each student goes through. Obviously I am not there every day, nor do I grade every assignment, but when I see students comprehending what they have been taught I feel like a proud mama... Okay, maybe a proud older sister is more accurate.

I probably sound like a broken record. This week's post was really a combination of the happenings of the past month. In just a few short weeks a situation that felt like a catastrophe has completely turned around and I decided now would be as good a time as ever to relay just how grateful I am for this crazy ride. Remember, no matter how bleak a situation seems it will work out and there will always be something for which we can be grateful.

xoxo,
jkd

Plot Twist

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." -Fabienne Fredrickson

I have always been jealous of people who know exactly what they want to do with their life through and after college. From a young age I have been all over the map. It seemed the only thing that remained consistent about my career hopes is that I would work as a scientist in some capacity: a forensic scientist, a doctor, a psychiatrist. Even from a young age I had a desire to do it all.

In high school I dabbled with the idea of pursuing writing as a career, but it just never felt practical. It was too risky, and relied too heavily on talent. As someone who is so unsure of herself that was not a gamble I was willing to take.

The creative arts have always interested me, but I have compartmentalized my life so heavily that I have locked myself in a box without even realizing it. Since I was young I viewed my creativity as a hobby, and my hobby and my career simply could not mix.

I had placed such stringent expectations on what a future career should look like, it left me with few options I wasn't completely passionate about.

Then I went to college.

I entered college as a psychology major. Initially, I was convinced that therapy was the route I wanted to take. In high school it seemed like a solid idea, the best therapists are the ones who have gone through tribulation and made it to the other side, right? My experiences certainly would have given me a unique perspective, an empathy for my clients. While that may have worked in someone else's favor, I could feel it in my bones, it wasn't going to work in my favor. Being a therapist was not the right choice for me.

My sophomore year came and went, and I continued my track as a psychology major. I had ruled therapy out as a potential career, but I had picked up a marketing minor that I was sure I could enjoy. I was walking a fine line. A psychology/marketing combination was creeping into creative territory, but I was comfortable enough with the combination because my advisor assured me that it was an extremely practical choice.

While my minors and intentions have changed, I have remained a psychology major because it has consistently been a science that I have enjoyed...plus there was always the possibility that I could continue on to medical school to pursue psychiatry.

Within a matter of weeks, however, my college career has been turned upside down and it has forced me to regroup and reevaluate the plan I thought I had to graduate with a BA in psychology.

As someone who has always had her foot in the sciences, imagine how surprised I was to be on a leave of absence grading papers four days a week, helping out two English teachers, and considering a career change I never saw coming.

Teaching is always something that has been in the back of my mind, but it is always something I have ignored because of the parameters I placed on a potential career. Even now as I consider it, it just doesn't make sense to me. I have always been the quiet one, the timid introvert. How am I supposed to lead a classroom when I can hardly dominate a conversation?

This idea has been on my heart sporadically for the past five years, but it has been dominating my thoughts since I have been on leave. It is a huge decision to make and I would be lying if I said it didn't paralyze me with fear.

Am I smart enough? Am I tough enough? Can I handle the stress?

A stream of doubtful thoughts have been running through my head on a constant loop.

It is absolutely something I cannot do by my own will, and being terrified is exactly where God wants me to be...it means I am completely reliant on Him. I'm certainly in good company. Moses didn't think he was the most qualified person to communicate God's message. Joshua was afraid to enter the promised land. Gideon asked for confirmation multiple times. Jonah ran in the opposite direction when told to go to Nineveh.

I've spent the last five years doubting, running, and asking for confirmation. Maybe it is time to stop running and lean into the unpredictable, bewildering, terrifying plan God has for me.

xoxo,
jkd

To the Perfectionist

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck

To the perfectionist,

I see you, struggling under a mountain of textbooks, chugging your third cup of coffee, running on three hours of sleep. I see you striving for that 4.0, going the extra mile, keeping a smile on your face as you do it all.

On the surface you are fantastic. You are successful with a list of accolades and achievements that surely got you into your choice of schools, but beneath the facade you are falling apart. Your perfectionistic ways have backed you into a corner, and now you are paralyzed by a fear of failure.

You have had the same hobbies since you were seven, because that was the last time you were able to enjoy a new activity without the primary goal of success. You cannot even entertain the thought of pursuing a degree that captures your whole heart, because the thought of mediocrity is enough to sabotage your passion.  And so you remain within the confines of your comfort zone where you know you will be successful. Administrative assistant? Adoring housewife? Those are undoubtedly positions you cannot botch.

You expect yourself to be flawless, but in striving for perfection you have become completely detached. You no longer pursue goals because they breed pleasure, passion, or pride. You pursue goals to check them off the list. You live for a sense of accomplishment, and you will do anything for achievement. You no longer compete for a love of the game, rather you compete because you know you will win.

In doing it all you have surrendered the joy that makes life so meaningful.

But no one asked you to do it all. No one asked you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. No one asked you to hold society together with your smile.

Letting go of perfection means that you can strive for realistic excellence. Letting go of perfection frees you, because that failure that your perfectionism was terrified of is a vital part of greatness. Perfection is an unattainable illusion, an idea that clouds your expectations; but greatness is a journey, one that inevitably entails getting knocked down and making the deliberate decision to stand up once again.

Failure is not the abhorrent enemy you have made it out to be, (so much easier said than accepted, am I right?) rather failure is the best teacher there is. It allows us to learn from our mistakes, it allows us to grow. The truth is, no one really knows what they are doing. We're all trying to figure this life out day by day, and it is certainly naive to think that you are the only flawed one facing trials.

And so I tell you, do not let a fear of imperfection, a fear of failure hinder you in the pursuit of your dreams.  No, let the fear motivate you to become the best version of yourself. Do not spend the rest of your life pursuing goals that make you feel complacent; spend your life pursuing goals that make you feel fulfilled.

xoxo,
one of you

Quiet Your Heart

"The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear." -Lao Tzu

I am an introvert. 

To say I am an introvert doesn't even begin to cover it, though. I am painfully, painfully shy. In high school I could go a full eight hours without saying a word to anyone. It wasn't that I had nothing to say, it was simply that I did not feel the need to fill every silence with superfluous noise. I am an observer rather than a speaker; I take in what is happening around me and internally process it. I am a quiet girl with a loud mind. Consequently, my biggest trouble comes not in quieting my mouth but in quieting my heart. 

Since learning that I would not return to school this fall, my mind has been running ceaselessly. I am constantly considering what I should be doing to prepare for next semester, I am constantly worrying about what effect this absence will have on my future, and I am constantly reevaluating all major decisions I have made in the recent past. 

But the quieter I become, the more I am able to hear. 

Today, for example, the junior English classes were beginning a new unit learning about the Puritans. As a high school student I would have been taking notes furiously, perhaps apathetic about the subject-matter, trying to remember every last detail so that I would undoubtedly ace the test. Today as I graded papers, though, I was able to look beyond the textbook and take to heart a deeper wisdom that was all too applicable  to my own life. 

After reading Verses Upon the Burning of our House by Anne Bradstreet students analyzed the poem and how the author's Puritan viewpoint influenced her writing. It was evident throughout, that although her house had just burned to the ground, Anne Bradstreet was able to find God amongst the ashes and place her hope in Him. She gave all the glory to God and believed that it was all part of His bigger plan. Surely it was devastating at the time, but she knew that He had better days aligned for her. 

I couldn't help but feel a nudge at my heart as the lesson was being taught. You see, last week was the first week of classes, and this weekend was my first to be spent at home. Without a packed schedule, the emptiness left room for sorrow, frustration, and anxiety to creep in to my heart and question why school had been taken from me. 

But this morning God was there to remind me that He is continuously speaking, I simply need to quiet my heart and listen. Through the lesson plans of an English teacher He reminded me that though situations may seem devastating, He has a grander plan for all of it. Though today may be tough, He has better days awaiting me. 

xoxo, 

jkd

** As of right now I plan on trying to post once a week. Because of time and content I do not know if that will always be possible, but you can tentatively plan on seeing a post from me every Tuesday or Wednesday

Yet the Sun Still Shines

"God is in the business of giving moments of sunlight, warmth, and joy during during the storms as well as speaking a final 'peace' to them." -Carole Mayhall 

Normally I do not make a habit of posting more than once or twice a month, I never find that I have too much to say beyond a monthly post.For the past week, however, my mind has been cluttered and these updates seem to be writing themselves.

Since last Wednesday I have been inundated with positive support, prayers, and kind messages from friends and family alike, and I could not be more grateful. My intention was simply to update everyone on what would be happening this semester with no expectations regarding reactions. I would just like to thank everyone I have spoken to (and even those of you I have not spoken to) for your continued love and support. It truly does leave me speechless. I suppose that is why I write instead.

With all the feedback I have received there is one question that seems to be on everyone's mind. "How do you feel about taking a semester off?"

On Tuesday evening when I got the news that I would not be returning to school, I was devastated. I cried, I sobbed, I hyperventilated...my emotions were certainly running rampant. Since then, though, I have had time to cool down, time to survey the situation, and time to take a breath...and I have found am at peace.

I'm not bitter, I'm not angry.

I am a bit frustrated with how my treatment team handled the whole situation, it is my belief that they shared much too much information with the school, thereby causing my mental state to be questioned more than it should have been.

But it is what it is.

God has seen me through this and He has not only calmed the storm, but He has given me a glimpse of sunshine in the midst of it.

I will not be on campus this semester, but that does not mean I will be sitting at home sulking. During the meeting it was strongly suggested that I get involved in my community to try and keep my mind off the fact that I will not be in Mount Vernon, so that is exactly what I plan on doing.

I have been given the opportunity to return to my high school and help out two of my favorite teachers. These women meant so much to me my sophomore, junior, and senior years, to return and help them out means the world to me. They have continuously spoken words of care and wisdom into my life and I feel so blessed that I get to spend the next few months interacting with such amazing women.

At a time when it seemed that I would be on my own, fending for myself in the middle of a hurricane that turned my world upside down, God placed two women back into my life to pull me through what would have been an otherwise unbearable semester. Whether they know it or not they are gifts from God. Had this opportunity not presented itself, I'm not sure how well I would have faced the next five months.

While I am still not completely sure how I feel about my leave of absence, I am seeing something that looks oddly like gratitude. I would give anything to be back in Mount Vernon, but the alternative that God has crafted for me is not too shabby at all.

xoxo,
jkd