"It is an absolute curse to see this eating disorder world, but it is also a gift because since you've seen that world and you're now on the outside you can guide other people through that grey world and into the light. It's a superpower! It's stupid to waste that. If you've had an eating disorder you can recover and you can help other people do that."
-Natalie Esarey
-Natalie Esarey
I have had fragments of blog posts sitting in a pile of drafts for the past few weeks, waiting to be pieced together into a full post. I haven't felt motivated, qualified, or vulnerable enough to share any of my thoughts, but it was a recent video made by my friend Natalie that gave me a little boost of motivation I needed. Thanks, friend.
***
Weight restoration is something I have wanted to talk about for a while, but I never felt confident enough to sit down and write an entire post. Talking about weight is not exactly a dinner table conversation, and as someone who has always been small, I feel somehow disqualified from talking about my own struggles with weight and body image.
It is a bit ridiculous, and it is something I want to challenge. Size doesn't matter. I am here to say that anyone can have weight insecurities... but from that it is my hope that anyone can also be confident in her skin, advice I am good at giving, but have a hard time receiving.
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| Lowest weight vs. Weight Restored |
So what does it mean to be weight restored? Being weight restored simply means that I am no longer underweight, I am at a healthy weight and dietitians and medical professionals are okay with a maintenance plan. It means that I am physically stable, that there are no weight related complications that are pressing enough to need attention.
I no longer look like I have an eating disorder, therefore I must be fine, right?
Wrong.
What being weight restored doesn't show is the active psychological battle that still rages. I still have the same feelings; I still feel uncomfortable in my body.
Maintaining a healthy weight doesn't mean I am okay, it simply means that I'm stable, and for now stable is a prognosis that I will happily accept. Stable is good, stable is safe.
Stable is certainly uncomfortable though.
As someone who has an extreme fear of gaining weight, being weight restored is definitely difficult. I feel fat, I feel disgusting, I feel unworthy of food. The glorious thing about being at a healthy weight, though, is that my I am able to challenge those thoughts with a brain that is no longer being deprived of food.
While being at a healthy weight doesn't feel warm and fuzzy, my body is functioning normally again, which means that I am better able to address the secondary problems... the ones that no one can see.
Working on those problems that no one can see is exactly what I plan on doing. Since I last posted my treatment situation has been a little crazy, but I am back at it and ready to tackle whatever my treatment team has to throw at me. I went on vacation and a result was discharged from the Center, but I'm back and I begin Intensive Outpatient treatment on Monday. The hope is that I will continue IOP for the next six to eight weeks to finish out the summer --a way to make sure I stay on track until returning to school.
Thank you all so much for the continued support and words of kindness. Words cannot express my gratitude for such wonderful people in my life.
xoxo,
jkd
