Recovery On A College Campus

"Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness." -Caroline Myss

For the past twenty years of my life I have had a horrible tendency to make everything harder for myself. It doesn't matter the situation, it only matters the difficulty. With that being said, it isn't a far jump to conclude that I have made my college experience much more difficult than it needs to be. Somewhere in the pursuit of challenge, though, I got swallowed whole.

I have always imagined college to be a magical pot of gold at the end of my high school career. My first semester was far from the perfection I had envisioned though. Simply going to remedial classes seemed much too easy for me. My teachers had built up college as something to be feared academically. Imagine my disappointment when I arrived in Mount Vernon and found it to be mediocre. I suppose that is when my eating disorder initiated its own personal game of hardball.

The past year and a half have certainly opened my eyes. Life is going to have its challenges. If I had one thing to say to myself, though, I would have to steal a quote from my girl Meredith Grey. "You don't know this yet, but but life isn't supposed to be like this. It isn't supposed to be this hard."

And it certainly rings true. College isn't supposed to be this hard, Life isn't supposed to be this hard. I wasn't supposed to have an eating disorder. I was supposed to be the girl who had her life together at all costs.

I have slowly had to unclench my fists and let go of what I thought my life as a 20-year-old college sophomore would look like and embrace what is, not what was supposed to be.

And so, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

Being back at school has been wonderful. It is my second home, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. And yet, somehow it kind of feels like I was pushed into the deep end of the pool.

I've said it before, and I will say it again: being at The Center is like being in an air tight box that doesn't allow "life" to get in. The messy parts have been put on the back burner for the past three months, but now that I am back at school it's game on.

Example A: Nutrition and Exercise

I never realized how greatly the topics of diet, exercise, and losing weight penetrated the college culture until I was knee-deep in it again. It took less than 24 hours after returning to campus for someone to approach me and discuss eating habits and workout routines.

Trust me, you really don't want my advice.

MVNU's cardio room;  It's quite beautiful 

I am walking an extremely fine line between what is healthy and what is disordered. Not only do I have no idea where the line is drawn, I am surrounded by 1,500 people who are healthy, who have no idea the line even exists. (Note: see NEDA's Ad about eating disorders and athletes).

My stomach turns when I hear my peers talking about working out and cutting out food groups. To be truthful I still haven't figured out if my stomach is turning because it worries me or if my stomach is turning because I want to be the one working out and restricting food groups.

I want to say it worries me, because it truly does. However, I also know that there is nothing quite as satisfying as a forbidden fruit. The dichotomy that is happening in my head on a constant basis is exhausting. I want what I know is right, but I also want what I can't have.

Thus far, my college experience has been littered with incidents of skipping a meal here and there and working out between classes. It all snowballs quickly for me, though. A skipped meal can turn into not eating until dinner. A workout after class turns into a compulsion. I need to workout between classes.

The trick is letting past behaviors go, and embracing a new picture of what my college experience will be. College isn't about working out and silently challenging the person on the eliptical next to me. It isn't about being the smallest. It is about finding myself, meeting some of the most amazing people I will ever meet, and figuring out what in the world I will do with a psychology degree.

Dare I say it is time to unclench my fists? I have to let go of what is killing me, even if it kills me to let go.

God has so much planned for my life. I have felt Him move more than I ever thought possible in the past months. I am so grateful for the dark wooded, beast-filled path behind me. I know there is so much more He has in store, and I can feel it coming.

Right now, I'm on the edge of a river and I have two choices. I can either follow God across the bridge, or I can accept a challenge I wasn't given, and try and swim across the river. Past experience says I should choose to swim, but wise mind says "take the bridge!"

Letting God take control is possibly one of the most difficult tasks a controlling personality like mine will ever do, but I am at mile 27 of my marathon. I'm exhausted, and I depleted my energy store seven miles ago. Making the decision to swim (again) at this point would certainly result in me drowning.

The choice seems so obvious, yet in an environment that reinforces old habits it is a choice that has to be continuously re-chosen every day.

xoxo,
jkd

Happy NEDAwareness Week!

2.03 & 2.04

"Look around at the people God has placed in your life. They aren't there by accident." 

February 3, 2015

I have mixed feelings about returning to class. Today was the first day of the spring semester, and I was able to ease into it with only one class. Because I am getting into my major / minor classes, I am forming closer relationships with my professors. Basically, that means that three of my four professors knows that I was in treatment for an eating disorder... twice.

Today, however, was the first time sitting through a class with a professor after I returned from treatment. I can only hope that the rest of the week goes smoother than today did. It is emotionally exhausting and anxiety provoking to wonder what thoughts are going through their heads. I'm a worrier, and I'm pretty sure my mind didn't stop once the entire hour.

After class I went to visit my academic advisor and the rest of the psychology department.  There is something so refreshing about talking to someone who believes in me. It's almost like I'm a different person. I have confidence. I have a spring in my step. If someone else believes in me, there is no reason for me not to believe in myself.

February 4, 2015

Today went a little smoother than yesterday did. It seems the only oddity is that the professors now know my name. It still didn't change the fact that I felt like I had three heads, though. Going to treatment is like 79. 85% of my story, and I feel so exposed knowing that people I will interact with on a daily basis for the next two and a half years know so much.

Despite how uncomfortable I feel, though, it is so wonderful to know how invested my professors are in my health and well being... on top of my academic success. (Reason #243158286394 why I absolutely love my school.)

I met with my advisor to discuss what to do if I do start to get overwhelmed by the semester. I can honestly say that I have never left her office with a frown on my face. I am so thankful for everything she has done to help me with these awkward transitions. Today was no exception.

 She assured me it would not be the end of the world if I had to drop a few credit hours and to come see her if I started feeling overwhelmed. My psych faculty is the best.

Though I am still a little apprehensive about being back on campus, it couldn't be more clear that I am surrounded by a group of people who only want great things for me... especially when those great things involve prioritizing my physical and mental health.

 xoxo,
jkd