#IHadNoIdea

** All of my personal updates can be viewed under the "updates" tab at the top of the page. Here is a link to my latest update on moving to outpatient and returning to school.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week starts on February 23, and I thought it would be the perfect platform for addressing some specifics of my eating disorder and try to explain some of the "odd" ways it has manifested itself. 

At this point, I would like to think that I have learned a great deal about the biological basis of anorexia. I am in no way an expert, but there are some things I have learned that are extremely fascinating to me. If you are interested in hearing from an expert here is a video of neuro-biology researcher, Dr. Laura Hill,the CEO of the Center for Balanced Living...and the most fantastic woman in the world.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am approaching these topics extremely cautiously because I do not want to send conflicting messages about eating disorders. These are simply a few things I have experienced and have had the chance to learn more about. The manifestation of "symptioms" often appears through food and body image, but there are so many underlying issues. So, though I am talking about issues with food and self-image, this is a biological illness. 

Basically, my brain is broken... 

I don't feel hungry or full

To put it simply, the hunger and satiety cues are not being received in my brain. Though my stomach may need food, the cues are hitting a metaphorical brick wall because the message is not being passed along. 

When I was in the throws of my eating disorder, I could go hours upon hours without eating, because I didn't experience feelings of hunger. Those mechanisms, however, still haven't kicked on.  Even though I am in recovery and eating three meals and three snacks a day, it is the clock that prompts meals, not a sense of hunger. 

Not only do I not feel hungry, once I start eating, I also do not feel full. This is the main reason why clients are given a meal plan upon entering treatment. If I was left to try and eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full it would be nothing short of disastrous. The hope is that with weight restoration and recovery, mechanisms in the brain will begin "turning back on." That has not happened with my hunger and satiety cues quite yet...hopefully it will someday.

Most foods don't sound or taste good. 

The same part of my brain that controls hunger cues also controls how I perceive taste. Initially taste is not something that was affected for me, but recently I have found that foods do not sound good, nor do they taste "good." It is comparable to having the flu--everything tastes bland and flavorless.   

As you can probably imagine, when food does not sound or taste good AND I don't feel hungry, it can make eating quite a feat at times. All the mechanisms in my brain are screaming "don't eat! It doesn't even taste good! You aren't hungry!" yet without food I can't survive.... and that is the paradox of an eating disorder.  

I have a hard time making decisions 

The parts of the brain all rely on signals coming from the insula, and mine is not firing properly. The portion that assists in decision making is not receiving signals that would help a normally functioning person determine whether a decision would be good or bad. My brain has no idea of knowing whether any decision I make will be helpful or have dire consequences because there is no dopamine spike to affirm choices. Whether I am choosing an outfit, looking at an unplanned meal, or even choosing a movie making decisions is a nightmare for me. 

My "self-image" is distorted 

I think it is safe to say that a lot of people get uncomfortable talking about their own body image...I am no exception to that. It's a well known fact that young women today struggle with negative body image more than ever before. Throwing the conniving tactics of an eating disorder on top of that only adds fuel to the fire. 

At this point in my recovery, I still have the thoughts going through my head telling me "you're fat! You are huge! Look how small everyone else is!" I have a hyper-awareness of my body and how it fits in space--unfortunately, that awareness is distorted.

A study out of The Netherlands shows just how different body perceptions can be for someone with an eating disorder.

The study asked that 39 people — 19 diagnosed with anorexia, 20 without — walk through doorways of various widths and gauged how each person attempted it without their knowledge that this was the actual study. (They were given a mental distraction as they walked, so that they wouldn't be conscious of their physical behavior.)

The results showed that people without anorexia began to rotate their shoulders sideways to fit through doors when the frames were 25 percent wider than their shoulders — but those suffering from anorexia attempted this "squeeze" when the doors were a full 40 percent wider than their shoulders, through which they could easily pass without rotating their shoulders and entering sideways. In other words, they mistakenly consider themselves too heavy to fit through the door. 

Quote attribution: cosmopolitan.com  

Though this post probably wasn't the most interesting, I am so passionate about spreading the teachings of Dr. Hill. She has played an enormous roll in my understanding of this disease. Eating disorders have often been mislabeled as "choices," "diets," or "socially provoked." It's comforting for me to know that I did not choose to have an eating disorder--my genetic disposition combined with so many other factors to foster the formation. Once that seed was planted, the smallest bit of trauma caused my brain to misfire.

But I am hopeful about all the research that Dr. Hill shares with us every Wednesday in neurobiology group. There are so many studies taking place, all of which are forging a path to a clearer understanding of the biological aspect of such a destructive disease.

xoxo,
jkd

I'm Back!

"Be grateful for the home you have know that at this moment, all you have is all you need." -Sarah Ban Breathnach 

There is nothing quite like returning to school. It has been much too long since I sat at my desk, since I had "me" time, since I tried shoving my entire wardrobe into a tiny closet. I am so excited to be back! 

Yesterday was officially my last day of MAP and my first outpatient session will be on Tuesday. It is certainly a bittersweet feeling. I am going to miss all the friends I have made along the way, but I know I am ready to move on to bigger and better things. I'm ready to move on from my eating disorder and dive head first into recovery. I'm so over feeling horrible--both mentally and physically. I want more out of my life. 

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm inching my way closer 

 I have spent ten weeks in an airtight glass box with constant support and accountability. The real world was put on hold while I tried to regain my footing. Now that I am back at school, though, there are no time-outs. Class starts on Monday and I will only be seeing my outpatient therapist twice a week. 

We did create an accountability plan though...which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. There is little room for me to "mess up." I suppose it is a good thing--my eating disorder will do anything to find loopholes in the rules. If I do have a slip, though, my fear is that there will be no negotiation--that I will be sent back to PHP. I'm not going to try not to focus on what could go wrong. 

I'm going to focus on the fact that I'm so happy to be back on campus! I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this semester. I'm determined to make the next 13 weeks the best of my college career thus far. 

xoxo,

jkd

10 Songs That Give Me Hope

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." -Victor Hugo

Music is something that is even more therapeutic to me than writing. It has a way of saying everything I want to say--everything I never even knew I wanted to say. When my words fail, the words of other hurting souls are able to encompass what I am feeling. I hope these songs that captured my struggle can also capture one of yours. 

10. Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing - Shane & Shane 

      Favorite lyrics: Here I raise my Ebenezer 
                               hither by thy help I'm come
                               and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
                               safely to arrive at home.
                               Jesus sought me when a stranger,
                               wandering from the fold of God;
                               he, to rescue me from danger,
                               interposed his precious blood.

"Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—”the stone of help”—for he said, “Up to this point the Lord has helped us!” 
—1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Sometimes I forget just how far I have come. On days when I am agitated by everything and I feel like recovery is a lost cause, I have to remember the stretch I have behind me. Ten months certainly isn't "nothing." I still have a long road ahead of me, and God is going to be with me through it all--Because I definitely can't do this on my own. 

9. Happy Girl - Martina McBride 
    Favorite lyrics: Everybody knows 
                              That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see 
                              In the whole wide world 
                              Is a happy girl 

"Happy girls are the prettiest girls" -Audrey Hepburn 

"Happy Girl" is a great song to keep in my back pocket. It's such a fun upbeat song that reminds me that happiness is, in fact, the key that unlocks a fulfilling life. It doesn't hurt that it is basically an Audrey Hepburn quote wrapped into a song. :)

8. You Found Me - The Fray

    Favorite lyrics: Where were you, when everything was falling apart?
                              All my days were spent by the telephone, 
                              That never rang, and all I needed was a call 
                              That never came 

"You Found Me" is a song that communicates heartbreak, loss, and questioning. When my bones were hurting and my joints were aching I was certain God wasn't by my side. Why would God let me live with chronic headaches and an abnormal heart rate? Why would he allow my college experience to be characterized by a fear of social situations? I felt as though He wasn't with me, because my heart was not in tune with His word. You can only hear what you listen for, and I was not listening for His presence. 

One of my favorite quotes is "When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember that the teacher is always silent during the test." He hadn't left me, but He was waiting for the moment when I would speak up and admit that I have no idea what I'm doing and need help.  

7. Something in the Water - Carrie Underwood
    Favorite lyrics: No way out, no one to come and save me 
                             Wasting the life that the good Lord gave me  // 

                             Then it hit me like lightning late one night 
                             I was all out of hope and all out of fight 
                             Couldn't fight back the tears, so I fell on my knees
                             Saying "God if you're there come and rescue me"
                             Felt love pouring down from above, 
                            Got washed in the water, washed in the blood  

Like every other Christian Country-Lover I adore this song... and the fact that it is played on a non-Christian radio station. 

The lyrics of "Something in the Water" perfectly that point of despair we have all felt. For me, it describes my personal rock bottom when I realized I could not sustain a healthy life with the choices I was making. The beauty of these lyrics, however, is that any struggle can be placed in between the lines and almost everyone can relate. We all need a little more Jesus in our lives and this song couldn't say it any better. 

6. Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns 
    Favorite lyrics: The voice of truth tells me a different story
                              The voice of truth says "do not be afraid."
                              The voice of truth says "this is for My glory."

On the way home from treatment (January 16) this song started playing on my spotify playlist. It was the end of my first week in MAP and it was the first time I could remember being truly happy in a long time. My homework for the weekend was to write a letter to my "future self" for days when recovery seemed impossible. 

It was when this song came on that God spoke to me. It was then that I realized only through sharing my story could I be set free...and I decided I would post it that weekend. I guess you could say that "The Voice of Truth" is the song that jump-started my blog. It made me realize that though there is a ton of backlash that could come of this--God has much more to say to me. His voice is louder than the ED voices. 

5. Beautiful Things - Gungor
    Favorite lyrics: You make beautiful things
                              you make beautiful things out of the dust  
                              you make beautiful things, 
                              you make beautiful things out of us 
                             You make me new, you are making me new

This is a song that has been one of my favorites since the first time I heard it. Not only are the lyrics such a comfort to me, but it sounds so lovely. It is a song that I can go to when things are hectic and it has the ability to instantly soothe me. 

"Beautiful Things" reminds me that though it seems like I am damaged beyond repair...God created everything from nothing. My struggle is not too big for Him--He will turn my story into something beautiful for His glory. [Also... they definitely walked the same halls I do]

 4. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

   Favorite lyrics: All hung up on the negatives, doesn't have to be the way it is 
                             Nobody ever told you
                             You shine like a diamond, glitter like gold 
                            And you need to know what nobody ever told you 

I absolutely love Carrie Underwood. This song is definitely one song that is more blatant with its positive message. I generally do not like songs that are obvious in their self-esteem boosting tactics, but I'm a sucker for Carrie Underwood, and the message within this one is fantastic.

Even if it has to come from a song, I think we could all use a reminder that what a vain, materialistic society has deemed as "beautiful" doesn't become truth for everyone. Beauty is not something that can be determined by anyone outside of yourself. The day we all realize that will be the day we reclaim power to live our own lives.

3. Try - Colbie Caillat 

    Favorite lyrics: Take you makeup off

                              Let your hair down

                             Take a breath

                             Look into the mirror, at yourself

                             Do you like you? 

"Try" is nothing less than a positive self-esteem anthem! I bawled when I heard the song in its entirety and watched the music video for the first time. Its so simple, yet so powerful. It is just another example of how society doesn't get to tell us what beautiful is, that is something we must determine for ourselves. 

I do not struggle a great deal with external comparison (comparing looks)--but I am certainly a "people pleaser." I will drop everything to make someone else happy, even if I have sacrificed a piece of myself in the process. If someone else's problem has been solved, maybe they will have kind thoughts of me, maybe they will think of me as reliable or worthy. 

This song stopped those thoughts in their tracks. Other people don't actually matter that much. Whether or not I love myself and whether or not I deem my own actions acceptable slides in above how others percieve me. 

2. Unashamed - Starfield 

    Favorite lyrics: Still I come because your cross
                              Has placed in me my worth
                              
                              Because of grace, 
                              Because of your mercy 
                              I stand here unashamed 

I discovered "Unashamed" a few years ago while searching youtube, and it has been one (of many) of my favorite songs since. I have always felt an immense amount of pressure to be perfect, to always appear to be put together. This song combats those ideas, though. My worth does not come from whether or not I do everything perfectly (thank goodness!); my worth comes only from the cross.

The world says that I have every reason to be ashamed of who I am; I should be ashamed that I'm not flawless because that is unacceptable. The grace of God covers me, though. It says that I am enough. I am loved, and I am cherished by the King.

10. Timshel - Mumford & Sons 

     Favorite lyrics: You are not alone in this 

                               You are not alone in this

                               As brothers we will stand 

                               And we'll hold your hand 

This song gives me chills. The first time I heard it was in Chapel during the fall semester of my freshman year. I couldn't tell you what the service was about, I couldn't even tell you why the song was sung. All I remember about the service is that the entire student body held hands and sang the words "You are not alone in this." It was one of the most powerful experiences and I would be lying if I said I didn't cry.

It still chokes me up thinking about it nearly a year and a half later. It is an experience like that one that adds to the mile-long list of reasons why I love my school. We truly are together in our struggles and sharing my own has been no exception. My MVNU family has flooded my phone and inbox with words of hope, love, and encouragement and I could not be more grateful!

And because this wouldn't be a countdown list without Taylor swift... 

xoxo,
jkd

Recovery is Exhausting

"The hardest battle is between what you know and what you feel" -Unknown

I go into this post with the knowledge that what I have to say probably will not make a ton of sense. I suppose that is the reason why I created this blog, though: to shed light on pieces of my experience that don't make any sense. My only disclaimer would be to keep an open mind.

We all have rough days and when I decided to put my story out there, I promised to document the good days along with the bad days.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

January 27, 2015

This week has been hard.

Last week I found out that I would be transitioning out of MAP, moving to outpatient, and going back to school, all happening within a span of a few days. I was extremely excited to be done with treatment, and I am so excited to go back to school.

But I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.

I am anticipating everything that will happen when I do return to school. Will I be able to handle it? Will I revert to old coping mechanisms? Will I be able to follow my meal plan and movement plan? My brain is brewing up worst case scenarios. What if I return to school and everyone comments on how much weight I've gained and it causes me to throw everything I have learned over the past 11 weeks out the window? What if I fail? What if I have to go back to treatment for a third time? What if I can't finish school? These are some of the more mild thoughts running through my head right now.

The anticipation, as you can tell, hasn't been healthy anticipation. It is catastrophizing at its finest and it has certainly taken a toll on the successful streak I have been on for the past few weeks.

My anxiety has been so high, which has made everything else impossibly hard. I am irritated by every. little. thing. I'm never hungry. I've been skipping meals and snacks because I really just don't want to eat! I am so frustrated that something so fundamental is so hard for me to do.

My anxiety has caused me to abuse my movement plan as well. I have been feeling compulsions for constant movement. I need to be moving, organizing, or cleaning in order for my anxiety to feel manageable. Every day this week has been super challenging and it feels like the physical discomfort will never end.

My thoughts are screaming and it is exhausting to have to fight them day in and day out. I just want a break from recovery. Can't I just take a vacation for a few days? I need some sunshine and about 75 hours of sleep. ED thoughts and worrying both use way too much mental energy.

By worrying about what will happen next week, I have stopped living in the moment--which is the only place I can afford to be right now. Worrying about next week will not resolve the situations I am brewing up, but it has made each day this week more difficult.

Moral of the story: be mindful and live in the moment because right now is the only moment that I have the ability to control. [Let's be real, God controls it all, but He doesn't tell us to live in the past or in the future. He tells us to lean on him in each present moment.]

On a positive note: tomorrow is a new day. I will be at The Center bright and early, and IT'S NEURO DAY! (aka the best day ever!) #NeurowithDr.Hill. I can let a few rough days kick me around, or I can choose to continually recommit to a recovered life.

xoxo,
jkd

Tough Decisions

"If you aren't doing what you love, you're wasting your time." -Billy Joel

Recovery Update
Current Mood: Irritated

Today the Cougars took the court and once again I was not there to cheer alongside my teammates. It has been roughly ten weeks since I've been able to practice, stunt, or cheer at games and I am counting down the days until I can get back to it.

Cheerleading has been quite a popular topic amongst my treatment team the past couple of days. I have one week of MAP left, and then I move to outpatient on February 2 (coincidentally also the first day of spring semester). I have no doubt that it is going to be a hot topic between me and my outpatient therapist. This week multiple clinicians, my therapist, and my dietitian have all asked me if I plan to return to cheering when I go back to school. My answer without any hesitation was "yes."

As long as I am cleared to cheer, I will cheer. I can't imagine a medically stable life without it! The resistance I have been met with certainly isn't super comforting, though. I can see where the hesitation is coming from... a recovering alcoholic wouldn't spend eight plus hours every week hanging out at a bar.

Everyone has their own opinion on what I should do. Many members of my treatment team believe that going back is an excellent route--that doing an activity I love will assist my recovery process. Other members of the team think that it is simply too triggering. They worry that I will go back to comparing my weight and my ability to that of my teammates, and that it would only end up reversing the progress I have made over the past ten weeks.

I'm actually Superman. 

There is the potential for it to derail my recovery. There is also the potential for the government to shut down tomorrow and for anarchy to sweep the nation, but there are guidelines in place so that that doesn't happen. The same goes for my recovery. Once I go back to school my life doesn't turn into a "free for all." As hard as it is going to be I still have to challenge thoughts and follow a meal plan. My treatment team should know that!

I think NOT cheering could be more harmful than going back could ever be. Even thinking about not cheering is enough to bring on a panic attack.

I experienced a year without it when I was in high school and it did not turn out well. The time and energy that was once split between school and cheerleading was funneled solely into school and my eating disorder. My fear is that the absence of cheerleading is what will keep my eating disorder around.

I've been told that I need to find different hobbies. I don't even know what a hobby is! Cheerleading has been my life for thirteen years. I can't imagine anything else that could possibly relieve stress and fulfill my need for accomplishment in quite the same way. I love it. 

Like I've said before... it's a love / hate relationship that sure does know how to stir up trouble.

Recovery is full of tough decisions in all aspects of life. Though I have no doubt what I want to do, the reality is that I have to consider what the best option is going to be. Honestly, though I value what my treatment team has to say... I think I have already made the decision that is best for me. 

Now I just have to be cleared to go back...

xoxo,
jkd

On Day 304 He Gave Me Courage

"Sometimes what you're most afraid of is the very thing that will set you free." -Robert Tew

For ten months I have been terrified that people would find me out. I have a nasty habit of catastrophizing  everything in my head. If anyone found out I was seeking treatment for anorexia they would pass judgement about me, then I would lose all my friends, then my family would stop talking to me, then my school would kick me out for liability reasons, then I would live with my parents forever, and I wouldn't have a college degree and it would have certainly been the end of the world. 

But something strange happened.

As I worked through my second round of treatment, God lit a fire within me. For the first time since I had begun treatment I wanted to share my story; I wanted to tell everyone what I was going through. The day that I posted my story on the internet was ten months to the day that I started treatment. I didn't know what would come of the post, I didn't know how it would be received by friends and family; all I knew was that God had placed a story on my heart and I needed to share it.

The only thing I can possibly say is thank you for the overwhelming love and positivity I was met with. I didn't expect any feedback at all. I didn't expect prayers, or praises for my courage; I certainly didn't expect others to feel comfortable enough to reveal their own struggles.

I've been set free.

I was shocked to know how much people cared. That is not a minimization of the love my friends and family give, rather, it is a minimization of the love I am able to receive. Having an eating disorder is comparable to having a broken record of negative thoughts constantly playing in your head and specific thoughts that constantly run through my head challenge my ability to feel worthy of love. I'm working on it, though.

So, thank you for not rejecting my struggles.

God revealed himself to me through sharing my story, and I could not be more excited to continue sharing! My devotional this morning could not have been any more perfect:

"Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege, where we now stand, and confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory." Romans 5:2 

I feel so blessed that there are people who want to be updated on my recovery process, and I certainly feel privileged to be in a position in which I am able to share. Though the process isn't fun, every letter of my story will be used to glorify Him! 

God is so good!

So it looks like I will be posting periodic updates on my Recovery for everyone who is interested! As of right now I am no longer in Partial Hospitalization (PHP). I have stepped down to the aftercare program (MAP) and have been at that level for about a week as of January 19. 

ALSO-- If anyone is interested, I would really like to post a FAQ of sorts about eating disorders. It is such a taboo topic, and there is not enough (correct) information out there. If there is anything you have ever wanted to know about eating disorders or the treatment process (politically correct or not--I am not easily offended) please let me know. 

xoxo, 

jkd

My Story

I've heard it said that we all have chapters of our stories which we would rather leave unpublished. To that I say: it is only the published works that have the ability to change lives.

I would advise getting comfortable. Now is your chance to turn back! If not, grab a hot beverage and a fuzzy blanket and enjoy the ride.

Chapter I

In high school I was extremely active and involved. Everything I did, I did big. I didn't just cheer, I cheered for football, basketball, and joined my high school's competition team. I didn't just challenge myself academically, I pushed myself to crazy limits. My course schedule was overloaded with Honors and AP courses...because that's what was going to get me into a top-notch college.

Pushing myself to my limits didn't come without its consequences, though. I was chronically exhausted and I reached my breaking point multiple times...quite literally. I was always injured, and even had to have knee surgery as a 16-year-old sophomore because I had torn every ligament in my knee and broken my kneecap.

I was dangerously competitive and had completely eliminated the possibility that "mediocre" would ever be used to describe anything about my life. I did what had to be done to ensure excellence. I needed to be the perfect student, the perfect athlete, and the perfect daughter to strike a balance in an overly hectic life.

It's hard to pinpoint one specific moment in which everything started sliding downhill, but for the sake of my story I'm going to try.

Cheerleading has and will always be one of my greatest loves since I was six years old. I never needed hobbies because cheerleading took up almost every day of my life for eleven years. As with anything else that lasts eleven years, it was a tumultuous experience full of twists and turns. It brought me some of the greatest memories of my high school career, but it also caused a great deal of heartache.

Freshman: 
My high school cheer team was known for the coach. She had run the program for nearly twenty years... and she was excellent at her job. She had led our high school to multiple state and national competitions and was not a coach that played favorites or fell into the politics of high school bitchiness. [foreshadowing...] She was respected by her girls and she reciprocated that respect. She was the ultimate mother-figure wrapped into a fantastic cheer coach that I will never forget.

It was the end of my freshman year that my world began spinning. To be honest, it really hasn't stopped spinning since. The greatest coach I had known was retiring. I took it extremely hard and it is no melodramatic teenage tale when I say that I cried for three days.

Though I felt as if the "cheer world" had ended, I never questioned whether or not I would continue cheering.

Because Jordyn Davis was not a quitter.

For the next two years I continued to overload my schedule. I had practice three times a week with up to three games or competitions thrown in. Free time? Ha, that's cute. I didn't discover free time until my senior year.

Sophomore: 
The love / hate relationship I had with cheerleading continued to grow and change. My sophomore year brought a new level of competition, but the negative aspect that accompanied that almost was worth enduring. A new year brought the entrance of two new coaches. One of them was awesome--she knew what she was doing and she had the best interest of her girls in the back of her mind. The other coach... She was crazy... to put it nicely. I didn't get along with her, and she is the main reason why I didn't cheer my senior year. I will leave it at that, though, because it is tacky to post hate on the internet.

Junior: 
I loved to cheer, but I didn't love my pathological liar of a coach. I came home after every practice crying... The "love" in the love / hate relationship slowly dwindled. So it was the end of my junior year that I made the decision not to return to cheerleading my senior year. I thought it was going to be a decision that brought peace to my final year of high school. Little did I know that it was a decision that would create a sticky situation that i am still working my way out of today.

Chapter II 

"You're a failure for giving up."...."You aren't the best anymore."...."You are going to blow up like a balloon."...."You are mediocre."

Enter ED.

What does ED stand for you might ask... ED stands for Eating Disorder.

As you can probably tell from part one of my story I had an abundance of competitive, perfectionistic, overachieving genetic components--all of which are dangerous ingredients and when activated by any kind of trauma create the perfect breeding ground for an eating disorder.

Senior: 
My senior year was characterized by much more than just stressing out about college applications. It was characterized by feelings of failure, of inadequacy, and of imperfection. I no longer ate lunch at school, I went through cases of water and gum each week. My mind wandered during class. I was no longer focused on my work; I was now focused on calories, my weight and size, and a fear of anything that challenged that.

My grades were not great. They were acceptable by my family's standards, but the energy I had previously split between academics and cheerleading was now being funneled solely into my academic achievements. Nothing was good enough. An A- wasn't an A. An A wasn't even good enough. If I didn't receive a 101 / 100, I wasn't happy.

I can practically see you rolling your eyes. I know, it all seems ridiculous, but when my eating disorder first manifested itself, the intensity in which I approached everything morphed into something beyond the point of extreme obsession.

Fast forward to college.

College Freshman
My college career certainly hasn't been everything I dreamed it would be. The fall of my freshman year was positively miserable. I sat in my dorm room, never went to the caf, and slept. All. The. Time. I had no friends and I had no intention of creating a social life. I was there for one purpose...to get a degree. Everything else was just going to get in the way.

About a month into my first semester though, I realized something was wrong. I was constantly exhausted. I hated everything and everyone, and I wanted to quit. It was around midterms that I decided to see a counselor on campus. As scary as it was, it turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made.

Talking to my counselor made me realize that my eating disorder was not something I could control at my own will. It also became evident quite quickly that my it was a bigger problem than either of us had realized. It was around the end of January 2014 that she told me that the extent of my condition was out of her wheelhouse. She had to refer me to The Center for Balanced Living.

I knew I needed some form of help, but I also knew that I wasn't going to take time away from school in order to make that possible. After a  few extremely uncomfortable conversations with my professors I decided I would do treatment and school at the same time.

The overachiever in me was extremely happy.

Since then, I guess you could say it has been a year of continuous treatment. I spent March 2014 - May 2014 in Partial Hospitilization and a step-down aftercare program, and transitioned into outpatient therapy in the summer. All was well and it looked like things might have been at a manageable level.  [condensed version of the story]

And then I started my sophomore year of college.

College Sophomore: 
School is stressful, what more can I say? I returned to school in September 2014 and immediately fell back into old coping mechanisms. This time, though the behaviors had changed, the idea was still the same. ED certainly wasn't gone.

I spent hours obsessing over grades that were excellent, but not perfect. I was no longer the smallest on the cheer team, and I was a failure because of that. Obviously I wasn't working hard enough to be the best.

Throughout the semester I stayed honest with my outpatient therapist and around the week of midterms she began to hint that going back into Partial Hospitalization was the best option for me.

I thought she was crazy.

I knew things were beginning to go downhill again, but I was convinced that I could keep it under control.

But I could not keep it under control.

If I couldn't control what level of care I was in, I would at least control when I changed levels. My plan was to wait until after finals in mid-December, and then take the months of December and January to complete another round of treatment.

But I found out the hard way that there is nothing about an eating disorder that can be controlled.

I am a documentary junkie, and I have seen countless shows about addiction. I never could comprehend how someone could not realize how adversely their  addiction was affecting their health. I was now there. I didn't care how much I was damaging my body and knowing the consequences wasn't enough to make me want to seek treatment again.

My therapist told me I couldn't wait until finals were over. It was only three weeks! I begged and pleaded with her to let me wait until I had finished the semester. But she wouldn't. She told me that I probably didn't have three weeks of fight left in me.

There it was: rock bottom.

Since November 24, 2014 I have been working my way through another round in Partial Hospitalization. It's not fun, but that's where I'm at. I'm climbing my way out of the pit that I have been stuck in for the past three years.

The past nine weeks have been painful, but it's getting easier every day, and I am finally in a place that I am proud of. I am not completely healed, but I'm getting there. My happy ending hasn't been pulled together with a bow on top, but that's what makes my story real. Real life doesn't always come with a bow on top (no matter how much the cheerleader in me would love that).

The purpose in me sharing this is simply to tell my story. Someone out there needs to hear it, and it would be selfish of me to hold on to this simply because I am embarrassed or ashamed. By posting I have no intent of magnifying my struggle or minimizing another. It's not a bigger or smaller struggle than someone else's... It just is. Everyone has something, and this is my something. 

So please, feel free to comment with your thoughts, your questions, or anything you have ever wanted to know about an eating disorder. Obviously this is a condensed version of my story with a great deal of the details omitted, but I am more than willing to shed light on something that will help others.

xoxo,
jkd

Bienvenue!

   It is currently 12:37 am and I am second guessing every life choice I have ever made... like the creation of this blog.Blogging seems to be something that is becoming increasingly popular, so naturally I have hopped on the bandwagon with extremely low expectations of how this will play out.
   Right now I only have one goal: to post my testimony. It may grow to involve an account of the past year and a half of my life, it may not. I am very unsure of what I would like to share with the world and  how much I would like to share. Either way, I believe I have a story that can help someone  and I intend to experiment until I discover the right platform from which to share it.

xoxo,
jkd