But for the Grace of God

"Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I have ever been." Iain Thomas 

As I get older, I have found that my parents weren't lying when they said "time flies." It seems I was just celebrating my 20th birthday, fretting about what I would eat, stressing about the lack of organization, and trying not to have a meltdown in the middle of Northstar Cafe.

Fast forward 12 months, I have rediscovered the joy of life, I have a permanent smile stretched across my face, and finally feel like I am becoming the woman God intended me to be.

Last year was characterized by multiple rounds of treatment, and a girl who had no idea what she was doing with her life. I had no direction, I felt no joy; my only ambitions were staying skinny and maintaining a superb GPA. 2015 looked as if my goals would remain the same.

Reflecting on the first few months of this year, I feel as though I am reading the words of a different person. In a way, I suppose I am reading the words of a different person. My words seem so ridiculous now, but at the time, they were exactly what I needed to say. How have I undergone such a drastic transformation in just a year?

Change is one of those things that we often don't see on a daily basis. Perhaps we do not even notice a shift after a month, but how beautiful is it, that at the end of the year we can reflect on the past 12 months that lay behind us and see just how much a year can hold?

If you have known me for any length of time, you are probably aware of just how uncomfortable change is for me. I live miles within my comfort zone, and rarely venture outside of it. It is no coincidence that my favorite ice cream is vanilla. I absolutely do not rock the boat, so it only makes sense that a year of changed would be a year of forced change. 

If change were left to my own decision, it would never happen. I'm sure we all possess a bit of that stubborn will. Who wants to be uncomfortable when life can remain the same? The only problem? If you change nothing, nothing changes. Feel free to quote me on that, I'm publishing my profound, philosophical musings in 2017.

As one who has always looked forward to school, I began September knowing that the semester ahead would be one of the longest and most painful. Then something incredible happened...it became one of the best experiences I could have imagined.

Not even two days after receiving the devastating news that I would not be returning to Mount Vernon, I was in the classroom of one of my favorite teachers asking her if I could be her shadow for the semester. I'm not sure why, but she agreed, and the following months taught me more about myself than I ever would have learned while in school.

I immediately began volunteering, and I can safely say that I was quite taken from day one. I had considered English Education as an underclassman in high school, but from a young age I have been convinced that passion and career cannot overlap...what a devastating concept to internalize!

Barely two weeks into my volunteering I knew what needed to be done. I was going to change my major from Psychology to Integrated Language Arts Education. It is something I thought about, prayed about, and worried about for a good while, but I made the change, and I couldn't be more excited. But really, one of my textbooks is a complete collection of Shakespeare works, and you would have thought I bought a golden pony based on my excitement when it came in the mail...

I am so grateful for this leave of absence. I am so grateful my mom suggested volunteering at the high school. I am forever grateful for the teachers that allowed me to crash their classrooms.

The readmission process was a frustratingly bumpy one, but even that facilitated growth within me. I am more aware of everything that goes on behind the scenes in a college admissions office. I now know why there are timelines, and how decisions are determined. I learned how to effectively communicate with those who held my fate in their hands. And I may have learned how to send emails with read receipts, high importance marks, and deadlines for response, because "Dreams don't work unless you do." 

2015 has most definitely been a year of twists and turns. I have always made the comment that if God wants me to do something, He better give me a billboard with neon lights and arrows that I can see from a mile away.

So, if you're ever feeling frustrated that you are in need of the same measures, keep in mind that God allowed me to be  forcefully "suggested" to "take a break" simply so I could readjust my sails a bit. I need big signs, but I certainly wasn't expecting one that grand...

Despite the unpredictable ride this year has taken me on, I wouldn't change a thing. I am most certainly not the same person who began 2015, nor should I be, and that is the greatest gift of all. The year has created a strength, a tenacity, and an assertiveness within me that I wasn't even aware could exist within meek, little Jordyn. I am so proud of the person 2015 has forced me to become.  

Thank you so much to everyone who has walked this journey with me! May there be many more updates and blogs filled with joy in the New Year!

xoxo,
jkd

Highlights from 2015
- Being inducted into Psi Chi National Honor Society
- Forming relationships with some of the best professors EVER
- Stunting with Morehead State All-Girl
- Turning 21
     - Drinking Lemonade from a wine glass on my birthday
     - Trying wine at Christmas and hating it
- Kentucky National Showcase with the team
     - Being stranded in Kentucky due to bad weather...
- Rediscovering my love of writing
- Volunteering
- Watching a member of the Wolf Pack become the first American Ninja Warrior
- Vacation to Myrtle Beach
     - Day trip to Charleston and Magnolia Plantation
- The Farmhouse and their baked apples....
- Working at Joann's
- My parents making it to 20 YEARS!
- All the books I read!
- Enjoying Christmas again!
- FRIENDS!
- Starting this blog

It's Official...

"A woman is like a tea bag. You'll never know how strong it is until it's in hot water." -Eleanor Roosevelt 

This morning began as every day before it has. My alarm went off and I trudged groggily down the stairs to retrieve a steaming cup of coffee. I then hurried upstairs and returned to the warm solace of my bedroom where I readied myself for the day ahead.  

I strolled through the empty halls of the high school and patiently waited for Mrs. B to unlock her room. I was looking forward to another routine day grading papers and observing the magic that is a high school classroom.

I was perfectly content grading "In Cold Blood" quizzes and unit tests for most of the morning. Nothing spectacular had happened, but I was happy to be volunteering my time helping out a teacher that has been so important in my life. 

It was then, at 10:16 a.m., that the email I had been praying for arrived. 

"Dr. Browning contacted me to say that you are cleared to return for spring semester." 

I nearly jumped out of my chair as a flood of excitement consumed me. I scurried into the hallway and immediately called my mom. "I'm going back to school!" I laughed through the joyous tears that streamed down my cheeks. A smile stretched across my face as I felt a huge weight crumble from my shoulders. 

I returned to the classroom,  barely able to contain my euphoria, and sat quietly grading papers for the next hour, texting a simple "I'M BACK IN" to my dad. Emojis were obviously included. 

The 5B lunch bell rang, and that was my cue to finish up. Before leaving the high school, though, I had to make one stop. I slid through the rush of students heading toward the cafeteria, grateful I was tiny, and ecstatic I no longer had to push my way through these masses on a daily basis. 

I reentered Mrs. B's warm, inviting classroom unable to harbor the tremendous news for much longer. 

Aside from my parents, she is one of the only others who has known the details and happenings of the dramatic saga that has become the past three months. It has been such a blessing to have someone involved who is able to be objective, yet is so invested in my future. She has been a constant source of support and encouragement, and I couldn't be more grateful. 

As I continued on with my day, it was impossible for me to shed my smile. For the first time in weeks I didn't feel frantic. I didn't feel like time was running out. I didn't feel like my hopes of returning to school were slipping away. 

I was in. 

It was only when I finally arrived home that the reality of the situation hit me in full force. I stepped through the doorway to feel a rush of warm air hit my face and a wave of exhaustion wash over my body. 

I have been worried about my return to school since the day I was told to take a leave of absence, but I have been frantic, fretting my return since the beginning of November. It was only then I was informed of the re-admission process. With Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks thrown in the mix, it gave me very few working days to check off the laundry list of requirements I would need to fulfill in order to step foot on campus.

The past several weeks have kept me operating on stress and adrenaline. I've kept my head down and focused on accomplishing everything on my "Return to MVNU checklist." Today it all converged and I was finally able to take a breath, and that is when it all finally caught up with me. 

It has been the most wonderful kind of exhaustion though. I am going back to school. I am returning to my second home. I am returning to a place filled with friends, with family, the place that will unlock the key to my future.

I could not have asked for a more perfect birthday and Christmas present.

God is so good.

xoxo,
jkd

Know Your Convictions

"We must always take sides. Neutrality always supports the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." -Elie Wiesel

 If you have been reading my posts or following me on social media the past couple of weeks, you have undoubtedly seen the political zealot within me poke its head out from behind the door. It is that time of year, though. Election day was yesterday, and I knew this week would be the perfect opportunity to talk about the evolution of my governmental fervor.

No worries, I am not talking about political issues, nor am I revealing my views. I simply want to explain the transformation that has taken place within me over the past few years.

I have always been quite patriotic; I thank Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Anderson, my Mammaw, for that. As a seven-year-old second grader I made the decision that the theme of my bedroom would be "America." Each wall was either red, white, or blue with stars sponged from top to bottom. I am really regretting that blue carpet I chose, but I am not regretting the patriotism that has run through my veins since I was small. It never needed to be the Fourth of July for me to sport the stars and stripes, it simply had to be a day ending in "Y." My love for my country has been coursing through me since I was old enough to walk, but an understanding and support of our government is something that took a lot longer to develop.

In high school I refused to form an opinion about any important or controversial issues. I knew I wasn't nearly informed enough to make valid choices, and I would inevitably adopt my parents' views if I were to "choose a side." I was naive and uninformed, and I was aware of that.

As a senior I was required to take government, and that is what opened the door to the development of my own opinions.

I just happened to be a senior during the 2012 presidential election, and though I wasn't old enough to vote that November, the election played a huge role in opening my eyes to some of the biggest issues plaguing America. I went to see candidates speak about the economy, retirement funds, and increasing concern regarding national security. I was thoroughly intrigued.

I was becoming more informed about issues and policies, yet I still failed to take a clear stance. The overwhelming opinion was no opinion at all. My naive conclusion was "If it doesn't affect me, it doesn't truly matter what I think." Because of that, my views as a senior and for the first two years of college were simply an extension of those my parents held.

It is only within the past year that I have begun to form my own opinions on major issues and policies. For the sake of this post, it doesn't matter where I stand on these issues, it simply matters that I am forming convictions and becoming an informed citizen. (Shout out to Mr. Meade who always let his students know how important it is to stay informed!) Choosing a side creates convictions, and "strong convictions precede great actions." (James Freeman Clarke) Having any opinion is greater than having no opinion.

The purpose of this post is not to say choose a side and never change your views. Thais not helpful for anyone. My message is to keep yourself informed on the current events of the world and determine how you feel about them. Perhaps more facts are revealed, and that changes your opinion...that's okay! The key is to know what is happening within our country and across the world. A democracy is cannot be truly effective without the full participation of the people! Not only does that mean voting, but it also means knowing what your government is up to.

Being informed doesn't just happen, though. You cannot peruse Facebook for 15 minutes and call yourself informed. The media is constantly dropping tidbits of information for uninformed Americans to latch on to and accept as truth. News outlets, even those that claim to be unbiased, are owned by someone. Those owners have their own views and it most certainly affects the way in which stories are presented and reported upon.

While it is nearly impossible to find an unbiased media source, the best that can be done is to do a little research. Read multiple articles. View opposing sources. It takes time, but then, isn't being a patriot worth the time?

It is a privilege to live in a country where we are free to make choices. We are one of only 30 democratic nations in the world, and that is never something to be taken for granted. As the saying goes: "Freedom isn't free." There are countless men and women who have sacrificed their lives for our freedom, the least we can do to repay them is to be active, informed citizens in our communities, in our states, and in our nation.

"Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime." -Adlai Stevenson

I hope you exercised your right to vote yesterday!

xoxo,
jkd

**Quick addendum: More people voted yesterday than voted in the gubernatorial election of 2010. Theoretically that means more people are concerned about the legalization of marijuana than the election of our state's leadership. Every election is important. Every issue matters.

25 (More) Things that Bring Me Happiness

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"It might be that to surrender to happiness was to accept defeat, but it was a defeat better than many victories." -W. Somerset Maugham

As promised, here is part two of my list of 50 things that bring me happiness.

In writing the two parts of this post, I have found it is both extremely easy and extremely hard to compile a list of things that bring joy to my life. There are so many things, how can I possibly choose the most important? I definitely went into this post knowing I wasn't even going to scratch the surface, and knowing that there was no possible way I could make it chronological in order of "importance."

In compiling 50 things that make me happy, I found there are small things, there are big ideas, there are people, there are places, there are smells...there is so much in my life that brings me joy,  it is found not only in the extraordinary moments, but in the ones that feel insignificant. As a four-year-old, I never anticipated that memories of jumping into piles of leaves with my Pappaw and the dog would make fall nostalgic for me. I never knew the smell of mud and creek water would remind me of my grandparents. I suppose that is the glorious byproduct of living life. ""

Enjoy this second installment of 50 things that bring me happiness.

26.   Organizing ANYTHING
             I am a type-A perfectionist who doesn't sleep. What else could be done at two in the morning beside re-folding and re-organizing all of one's dressers? 

27. Reading a fantastic book
            Being at home has given me more time to read than I would EVER have at school, because of that I have rediscovered a lost love. It was definitely placed on the back burner with the combinations of academics and cheerleading, but I am completely unashamed to say that I treated myself to 10 books last week, and I can not wait to read them! 

28. Presidents and First Ladies
            I am so intrigued by government, but I could certainly do without the constant stream of scandals that comes out of D.C. Regardless, I find it fascinating when presidents and first ladies establish their platforms and find causes they are passionate about. It gives me a small glance into who they are and what they stand for. I suppose I enjoy seeing who each person is beyond the press room podium. Let's be honest though, the most important issue is obviously the Inaugural Ball gown. Those bring me great joy. 

29. The Bronte sisters
            Do I even NEED to elaborate? 

30. Sleeping babies
            They're cute and warm and smell so good and you can dress them up like little Chipotle burritos for Halloween. When they're sleeping though, they aren't crying. That's the important part. Two of my cousins recently had babies, and they are absolutely the most precious bundles of joy! 

31. Pick-up lines
            I'll admit, this is an amendment after the events of last week. Pick-up lines are so corny and tacky, and I've never heard one that actually works. I find [some] of them incredibly thoughtful though. If a guy is willing to compliment me and make me laugh upon meeting me, maybe he is worth a second glance.... Unless it's a dirty pick-up line! Steer clear of those ones, ladies! 

"I may have gotten a 5 on the AP test, but you're a 10." 

32. Puppies and kittens!
            I didn't have any pets up until I was twelve, so I didn't know the joy an animal could bring to a household until I was in middle school. My Macie girl was the light of my life for eight years. She was a mischievous little thing who always pulled the dish towel from the oven; she loved bananas, going on rides, and keeping my feet warm under her fuzzy belly. The Davis' home has felt quite empty since last October, but I'm sure my parents will break down any day and buy us another puppy. I would even be okay with a cute little kitty, but mom doesn't seem to like that idea too much. She claims she is allergic or something... 

my macie girl

33. Giving gifts and writing letters
            My post from a few weeks ago does an excellent job of putting a bow on this statement. I love making people feel appreciated and acknowledged. The best way I know how to do that is with cookies and handwritten letters. It's my thing. 

34. Lemonade
            I'm pretty sure it actually runs through my veins...

35. Pearls.
            They're classic. Never will pearls go out of style and that is what I love about them. Since I was young I have grown up seeing my Mammaw pair pearls with EVERYTHING. I suppose that is where my fondness began. For my sixteenth birthday she bought me my very own string that I will cherish forever. 

36. Meeting "random" people who end up changing my life
            Because of my wildly introverted ways, I tend to be forced into "chance meetings." 
"Jordyn," you may be saying, "this makes no sense whatsoever." Ah, but it does. Because I tend not to venture out of my social circle, I tend to build stronger relationships with the  people I do interact with. Those people who play "ceremonial" roles in the lives of my peers have often been the key players in my life: friends, coaches, teachers, bosses, elders, I can explain how each one has changed me.

37. Memoirs
            I suppose I am simply a nosy person... I would like to see myself as "inquisitive." That makes me sound less creepy, right? There is something so intriguing about someone's account of his own life. There are so many details that occur that only you, yourself can know, and if the author is willing to share, it creates such an intimate moment. Perhaps it is a letter from father to son, maybe it is a fleeting holiday memory. I feel so privileged to be invited into the author's life, and I cherish every detail that is divulged. 

38. Love
            It's cheesy, I know. I've mentioned it multiple times on this list, but there is something so comforting about two people who are madly in love. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who hasn't found a husband, but longevity is something I admire. My parents have been married for 20 years and somehow they don't hate each other yet. That is inspiring.  

39. Expanding my vocabulary
            I literally spent three hours inputting college prep English vocabulary words into quizlet and not once did the thought "ugh, this is so mundane...this is excruciatingly tedious" cross my mind. Instead a flood of excitement washed over me when I saw a word I didn't recognize. While English certainly isn't a romance language, there are so many beautiful ways to articulate thoughts and feelings. Why would I ever settle for something as banal as "I am sad." 

40. My family
            They've been there for me since day one. Never have they left me feeling inadequate or inferior. They have always supported my endeavors, even when I was walking down every fork in the road...blindfolded. I am so fortunate to have such loving parents, and I hope to never take that for granted. Sure my fourteen-year-old sass machine of a brother makes me want to shove scissors into my ears sometimes... but I still love him more than anything. When he isn't busy bullying me, he's actually a pretty funny fella. 

I'm getting mush on ya...breaking out the Christmas photos

41. Helping others
            It brings me so much joy to relieve a burden from someone else's shoulders. If I can make life easier for one person, I would call that a successful day. That has often gotten me in trouble, and led me through some skewed thought patterns, but it is the fatal flaw that will never leave me. 

42. Recovery
            It's marvelous to eat whatever I want just because it sounds delicious. It is spectacular to not have purple nails. It is amazing to be able to walk up stairs. It is incredible to have enough joy in my life that I am writing an entire list about it. 

43. Hot apple cider
            There are few things more relaxing than an over sized mug of hot apple cider. I don't care if it is 95 degrees in the middle of July, a cup of cider before bed is perfect end to any day. 

44. My Mammaw Marilyn's recipes, sweaters, and jewelry
            My Mammaw Marilyn died when I was only four. As I have gotten older I have slowly lost the vivid memories I used to posses, but I have been blessed enough to have sporadic reminders of her presence in my life. I wear her quirky, cozy Halloween sweater when I'm cold. I have a locket with her picture in it. We even have her artwork scattered about our house. She was absolutely my first friend, and I am so grateful for the small reminders I have in my life. 

45. My Costa Rica perfume
            Every time I spray it, I am transported to my room in an open hotel in the middle of Carillos. I am reminded of the beautiful friendships I made on that trip and ways in which my life changed forever. Scent is powerful, y'all. 

46. Cheerleading
            Aside from writing, I am sure cheerleading was my first love. It allowed me to participate in an activity with friends, it allowed me to flesh out my competitive drive, it allowed me to try new things. It has even taken me across the country. Cheerleading is certainly stitched into my identity and I wouldn't have it any other way. To be clear though, I will be a-okay when I can no longer cheer. My body can't handle much more... Sprained ankles, dislocated knees, bruised vertebrae, concussions... you can take it all. 

47. Snow in December
            Snow is only acceptable in December. Not November. Not January, February, or March. December is a festive, magical month filled with cookies, and candy canes, and hot cocoa, and finals and sparkles. I can handle a month of snow, after a month is just becomes tedious. I do not want to scraped the ice off my car every day. I do not want to waste gas letting it heat up for 20 minutes. I do not want to drive with a blanket on my lap. Snow in December is magical. Snow in any other month makes me a hermit. 

48. The prospect of a woman president
**Disclaimer: I was told that if I mention anyone by name I will need to look for a different place to live. I like my house, so I will not anger the powers that be... Continue on.
            There are very few people who actually know where I stand politically. I will happily tell you that I do lean toward one side, but I accept policies and viewpoints from both parties; each have their strengths, each have their weaknesses--ignoring one side simply because of a label would be close-minded of me. 

With that being said, I would define myself as a lukewarm feminist. I want every option to be available to me--my actions may not always support the idea that men and women should be equals in all aspects, but y'all, I want the possibility to make the feminist choice! 

The prospect of a woman leading the United States of America is incredibly exciting! Our country has produced so many great leaders, and women have most definitely held those positions. Why shouldn't a woman run the nation? I am not saying I would vote for a candidate because she is a woman--she should certainly must be the most  qualified, but I believe there is a very real possibility that number 45 could be addressed as "Madam President," and that makes me excited for those who call themselves real feminists. 

Young girls are told they can "be whatever they want to be," yet if there are no role models for them to admire, how are they to believe it? Medicine used to be a man's game, now there are excellent female doctors in nearly every practice. Imagine if the same thing were true of careers in politics or engineering, or other STEM-based careers. Precedent can be broken, and it only takes one woman to do so. 

49. The smell of my Pappaw's hairspray
            Just as my dad's cologne brings me solace, so does the smell of my Pappaw's hairspray. It takes me back to my childhood and I am reminded of our games of hide and seek, our days spent skipping rocks on the creek, and he and I having Alan Jackson dance parties. The smell of my Pappaw's hairspray makes me feel protected and safe.  

50. Friendships I have formed over the past 20 years of living
            I have never been one to have a large group of friends, but the group of friends that has rotated with me throughout my life is more than I could have ever asked for. These girls have cried with me, gotten angry with me, rolled in the snow with me, and climbed on rooftops with me. Though we don't always speak, I am always grateful for the girls that made the world a little less scary and a bit more manageable. 

Before I sign off I would like to make one quick comment regarding a shift in the content of this page. Maybe you aren't interested in reading 50 reasons why I'm happy. Perhaps you are nosy and want to read about all the ways my eating disorder has destroyed my life. I made the decision a few weeks ago that very little of what I have left to say on this blog with be regarding my eating disorder. Whether it was conscious or subconscious I am not sure.

Originally I started this blog because I felt there needed to be more awareness given to the subject. Now, I believe I have said my peace. The words I needed to convey were typed out in the form of my story. I was open about my struggle, and now I am ready to move on. I am more than happy to talk about it if the situation warrants it, if someone is curious, or someone else needs to hear my story. Moving forward, though, very little content will deal with my eating disorder. For the first time in a while I am so genuinely happy, and I feel no obligation to dwell on how horrible the past two-four years have been. I am looking ahead, and I am incredibly excited to see what the future holds for me.

Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me through the unpleasant recovery posts and made it to the gratitude and happiness posts. You're the only reason this blog has become successful.

xoxo,
jkd

25 Things that Bring Me Happiness

"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve." -Jane Austen 

This post was originally entitled "50 Things that Bring Me Happiness." That entry was much, much too long and no one was ever going to read it. Don't you worry, though, you'll get part two of "25 Things that Bring Me Happiness" next week!

I wrote the majority of this post last week after returning home from school. It was a lovely autumn day, the leaves were changing, and for the first time in a while I noticed the pure, unadulterated happiness that ran through my veins. Something significant didn't happen; I didn't win the lottery or become a New York Times best-selling author... I was simply happy, which led me to write a post about some of the many things that make my heart smile.

It almost breaks my heart to write those words, because it feels like just yesterday that I was never going to find true joy. I hated my university, every person that spoke to me was a nuisance, My heart was always racing and my bones felt as if they would snap at any moment. Last Christmas I didn't even want to decorate, bake, or celebrate, and yet here I am, writing about the multitude of blessings that fill my life.

I apologize for this post being rather long. It's worth it, I promise!

*This list is in no particular order

1. The smell of my dad's cologne
            It has been proven that scent is the strongest sense linked to memory. One small whiff of my dad after he shaves or applies his cologne immediately puts me at ease. There is something about his scent that evokes comfort and provides the illusion of protection... And when he can't be there in person, He sprays it in his letters. 

2. Cheer bows
            Cheerleading is one of my greatest loves, but the beginning of a new season means one thing: new cheer bows! Anyone who knows me knows that the obsession is a little ridiculous; if it were socially acceptable for a twenty-year-old to wear cheer bows, I totally would. I don't simply love bows because they are adorable, though. Each bow I own tells a different story. Some tell of black and gold football Friday nights. Some represent a national championship. Still others send a nod to my recent days cheering on the Cougars. Each bow is a chapter within my cheerleading storybook. 

3. Seeing happily married couples
             It brings me so much joy to see couples who have been married for 20+ years, or even couples who are newly married. In today's society, there is an enormous focus on the fact that the divorce rate is fifty percent. Guess what? That means the success rate is also fifty percent! Every couple is going to have their struggles, but seeing two people who are passionately devoted to one another gives me hope. 

4. 60 degree weather
            Not too hot, not too cold. 

5. Jesus
            Do I really need to explain? If I had to it would be shorter than a thank you letter you don't want to write. I'm not sure I would be able to adequately explain all the ways in which He brings me joy. [Nehemiah 8:10]

6. Making Chex Mix and brownies with my Mammaw
            Homemade Chex Mix is a Christmas tradition in our family, while Mammaw's brownies are acceptable year-round. I love baking, but more than that I love spending time with my Mammaw. I haven't been in her kitchen for quite some time, but it never fails to bring a smile to my face. 

7. Orange leaves in the autumn
            Everything about autumn is gorgeous. I love the leaves falling, I love the green grass being covered in mounds of orange and brown leaves. I suppose it is all a bit nostalgic for me. When I was a little toad, my Pappaw would rake leaves into a HUGE  pile, then I would jump in promptly being followed by the dog. It was pure bliss if ever a four-year-old did know it. . 

8. COFFEE.
            I don't sleep well. It's no surprise to me, but it does get rather bothersome waking nearly every hour after two a.m. I have a hard time falling and staying asleep which makes for an extremely grumpy Jordyn at six a.m. If I can only drag myself to the coffee pot, there is hope. All I must do is fill my cup with that liquid energy and I will be able to make it back up the stairs to prepare for my day. 

9. Coming inside in the wintertime
            I love the winter! Okay, when I say that I am convinced what I actually mean is "I cherish the heat." There is nothing quite like playing in the snow, looking at lights, or shopping for Christmas presents on a cold, snowy day only to return to a warm, cozy home. 

10. Random cupcake runs with my best friend
            Yes, Kaitlin and I drove 45 minutes and endured a power outage at Polaris (INCLUDING THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS) simply to get our hands on a pumpkin spice cupcake. When you have a best friend that is allergic to chocolate, you will pretty much fly across the world when she finds a dessert she is actually able to eat. It was completely worth it, though. We enjoyed a delicious fall treat, and we had a wonderful girl's day.  

11. Making cookies
            Some of my earliest memories as a toddler are those of me and my Mammaw Marilyn baking together. Flour was always covering my face, we both ate more of the dough than we baked, and I always got to decorate the cookies in any way my small heart desired. Baking has always been a joy in my life, but it means even more to me now that I am in recovery. In the depths of my eating disorder baking was an activity which tested my self control. I would bake without the intention of eating anything. Rather I would watch other people eat. It's extremely strange, believe me I know. Now that I am in recovery though, I love baking cookies, eating cookies, giving cookies to other people, all of it. 

12. Being productive
           What can I say? I'm a type-A who loves making to-do lists. 

13. Decorating for Christmas
            The Christmas season is my absolute favorite time of year. It's a magical time in which the air smells like cinnamon spice and glitter falls from the sky. The simple act of putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it instantly turns the living room into a warm, intimate hideaway. I love rummaging through the old ornaments my brother and I have created, hanging each one in its rightful spot on the tree. 

14. Period Pieces
            There isn't a movie about World War II that I haven't seen. 

15. Bundling up!
            I run cold, so there is nothing more satisfying than putting on a pair of fuzzy socks, a sweater, and curling up under a blanket.. It's not always socially acceptable to wear a sweater under a jacket under a coat under a mountain of scarves to school. Sometimes I just have to bear the cold nose for a few hours and race home to bundle up for the remainder of the evening. 

It's starting to get chilly again, and I am unashamed to say that last night I watched jeopardy with a scarf around my neck, fuzzy socks on my feet, and a blanket enveloping me. 

16. Jeopardy!
            Every night, without fail, Jeopardy is always on in our living room promptly at seven o'clock. Kaitlin has often told me that my brain is too full with useless trivia. True statement. Is it because I watch so much Jeopardy or do I watch so much Jeopardy because I have an endless stream of useless facts running rampant in my brain? Truthfully, I simply love being correct... Watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune with my Mammaw Marilyn is yet another one of my earliest memories. Clearly I operate on tradition and nostalgia. 

17. A beautifully written sentence
            A beautifully written sentence makes me stop. It's often simple, sometimes short, but it is always profound. You know the sentences I'm talking about...the ones that make you shut the book and steady your breathing and reevaluate your entire life. No? No one else gets that excited about beautiful words? Just me? Okay, move along. 

18. Reflecting on all God has done for me
            My life looks nothing like I imagined it would as a twenty-year-old. I never expected to have an eating disorder. I never expected to be in Partial Hospitalization...twice. I never expected a furlough in my college career. I never expected any of it, and yet somehow it has all guided me to the exact place in which I need to be. Everything has lined up perfectly so that I can succeed right here, right now...something for which I surely don't praise Him enough. 

19. Dancing in my car
            There is nothing quite as perfect as driving on a cloudless, breezy, autumn day. The scenery is beautiful, the temperature doesn't drop me in the middle of Siberia, and the music is blaring, my favorite song filling the otherwise empty car. For three minutes all is well in the world. Nothing else matters, and I can sing and dance along. My heart is happy. 

20. Mammaw and Pappaw's house
\            My Pappaw makes the best fires. Sitting by the fireplace, warming my feet is my favorite on bitterly cold winter days. Inevitably, the fire always produces a hazy drowsiness that hits everyone by the end of the evening. Their house comforting and soothing; it puts me at ease and eventually to sleep.  I always end up under a mountain of blankets snuggled up with my Mammaw and the puppies.  

21. December
            It's my birthday month. It's Christmas. It's snowy. It's festive. It's magical. It's perfect. 

22. People who smile
            There's nothing more refreshing than a kind smile on a gloomy day. 

23. Angsty Country ballads
            I don't watch horror movies, but listening to angsty country ballads is the closest I will ever get. Reba's music video for 'The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia'  maxes out my tolerance level for "scary movies." The story lines are intriguing, the music is unsettling, and I am hanging on every word, waiting for the bombshell to be dropped. 
Some of my favorite angsty country ballads: 
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia by Reba
Midnight in Montgomery by Alan Jackson 
Three Wooden Crosses by Randy Travis 
Fancy by Reba 

24. School
            School is absolutely one of the biggest source of joy in my life; it has been since the journey began. It is one of the few atmospheres where I am completely comfortable and in my element. I revel in the opportunity to learn new information. I am inspired to consider different viewpoints that challenge my own. I relish any chance to write papers that exemplify and synthesize my thoughts. I simply love everything about school....so much so that I apparently decided I am never going to leave....

25. Pumpkin flavored anything
           I'm going to begin number 25 by getting an unpopular opinion out of the way. I am not a fan of Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte. It's a whole lot of latte and not enough pumpkin spice. Okay, now that we have that established, I adore everything else that isn't the PSL: pumpkin pie, pumpkin spice cupcakes, pumpkin spice oreos, pumpkins spice kisses, pumpkin spice hot chocolate, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin puppy chow.... It's all delicious and lasts about 2.6 seconds in my house. 

It's autumn, I'm in recovery, I'm halfway done with my semester-long furlough, I have a stockpile of great books to read, I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I'm so incredibly happy. I encourage everyone to make a list of things that bring you joy, things you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be 50 things; it doesn't even have to be 25 things. Making a list of those people and things that brighten your day will certainly turn even the gloomiest of days around... I promise.  

xoxo,
jkd 

A Lost Art

I"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou 

Handwritten letters absolutely melt my heart. I suppose that is the secret writer within me manifesting itself in my life. I have always loved the physical act of putting pen to paper and pouring out my thoughts and feelings to be received by another person. More than that, though, I love the joy a handwritten note creates. 

Since I began school I have been a constant stream of short stories about my weekend and imaginative fantasies, but my favorite form of writing has always been a kind note sent to a friend. 

It's kind of my thing. 

Such a vital piece of who I am relies on making others feel appreciated. I know all too well what being taken advantage of feels like, what being skimmed over feels like, what receiving no credit feels like. It's horrid and dangerous and breeds ambivalence and virulence.

Which is why I write letters.

I cannot control the events that may happen in a friend's life, but I can certainly influence a brief moment of happiness, a brief moment of joy. Perhaps I am naive, even narcissistic for believing I can create joy, but given the choice, I would rather fail trying than not try at all. 

During graduation season, I don't bother to stock up on generic cards. I receive more delight in recording spontaneous memories and shared experiences that are specific to my friend. I want to convey my pride and assurance that they will do great things beyond high school. To me, that is more heartfelt, sincere, and valuable than any cookie cutter, Hallmark card could ever be. 

I write thank you letters to let friends know how much I appreciate their gifts and their presences. I make sure to let the people I love and admire aware of their invaluable worth in my eyes. Every year, dating back to elementary school, I have given my teachers a combination of baked goods, Christmas cards, and letters of gratitude. 

I promise I'm not a suck-up... I simply want people to feel appreciated. 

Regardless of what other students were doing or saying, I always felt compelled to make sure my teachers felt appreciated. As I got older, I realized just how important kind words are. When other high school students were busy hating teachers, insisting they were being purposely failed, I felt a conviction stronger than ever to reach out to those who had invested so much in me. 

I have been blessed with excellent teachers. (that almost doesn't seem strong enough... They're basically the reason we're not all working at McDonalds our entire lives.... you should really thank someone for that.) While students and parents are so quick to blame teachers, to let them know what they're doing wrong, I always felt a responsibility to let them know how significantly they had impacted my life. In an environment that fed on hostility and teenage angst I wanted to make sure those who had taught me for one, two, even three years knew how much I appreciated their work. 

It's amazing what a few kind words will do. Not only does it make the recipient feel acknowledged and grateful, it makes me feel as though I have made a difference. Perhaps that is selfish, but it brought joy to my heart to see someone else smile. Even as a little munchkin I knew that kind words sent to another were priceless. 

It costs nothing to be a decent human being. 

I suppose this post relies heavily on the principles I outlined last week. Using the gifts and talents we possess to enrich the lives of those around us is exactly what we were called to do. Writing, although it is hard for me to believe, is one of my gifts. It is only in re-reading cards and letters I have saved that I came to the realization that I have been using it since I began scribbling the alphabet. 

It's my thing. 

xoxo, 

jkd

When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong

"Success means we go to sleep at night knowing our talents and abilities were used in a way that served others." -Marianne Williamson

Yes, I am a day late, but hopefully there is a consensus that I am not a dollar short. 

To be completely honest, Tuesday rolled around and I had no idea what I was going to write about this week. Wednesday dawned and dusked and I lost hope, giving up on the idea that I could crank out some quality writing in a matter of hours. 

But then something astonishing happened. As I was drinking my coffee this morning I was reminded  of a passage I had completed yesterday in my War Room Bible study. In a post I wrote a few weeks ago, I mentioned Moses' uncertainty, Joshua's fear, Gideon's doubt, and Jonah's flight. Oddly enough, yesterday's assignment focused on just that, and I decided to dedicate an entire post to it this week. 

The particular assignment focused on weakness and how God takes full advantage of it within us. It is when we feel the most incomplete, the most incompetent that He completes us and suits us up for battle. 

Exhibit A: 

"But Moses said to the Lord 'My Lord, I've never been able to speak well, not yesterday not the day before, and certainly not now since you've been talking to your servant. I have a slow mouth and a thick tongue.' Then the Lord said to him 'Who gives people the ability to speak? Who's responsible for making them unable to speak or hard of hearing, sighted or blind? Isn't it I, the Lord? Now go! I'll help you speak, and I'll teach you what you should say.'" Exodus 4:10-12

As a shy girl, I can most definitely relate to Moses' distress. I tend not to speak a great deal when I am in a group, and I often doubt my own abilities. Am I intelligent enough? Tenacious enough? Persistent enough? These thoughts have risen as I consider a career in education. It is a mile and a half outside of my comfort zone, and that terrifies me! God makes it perfectly clear to Moses though. I am the one who gives you strength. I am the one who gives you skill. Anything you lack I will give you! Despite his deficits, God still used Moses to lead the Israelites out of oppression. I am certain, if He called me to a career in teaching He will surely help me fill my deficits so that I can rightly glorify him in the position. 

Exhibit B: 

"The Lord's messenger came and sat under the oak at Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite. His son Gideon was threshing wheat in a wine press to hide from the Midianites. The Lord's messenger appeared to him and said 'The Lord is with you, mighty warrior!' But Gideon replied to him, 'With all due respect, my Lord, if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are His amazing works that our ancestors recounted to us, saying, didn't the Lord bring us up from Egypt? But now the Lord has abandoned us and allowed Midian to overpower us.' Then the Lord turned to him and said, 'You have strength, so go and rescue Israel from the power of Midian. Am I not personally sending you?' But again, Gideon said to him, 'With all due respect, my Lord, how can i rescue Israel?My clan is the weakest in Mannasseh, and I'm the youngest in my household.' The Lord replied 'Because I am with you, you will defeat the Midianites as if they were just one person.'" Judges 6: 11-17

Gideon truly believed that his meekness would hinder him. He had no idea why God was calling upon him to defeat an army when he was the youngest in the weakest tribe. I used to believe the same thing. I believed I could never be an acceptable role model because I had an eating disorder. I believed I would never do anything noteworthy because I was simply mediocre. This blog has taught me otherwise. While I may not be reaching thousands of people, I receive comments nearly every week telling me my posts have impacted someone in some way. I may not speak a ton, but I can write. I may not be the best writer, but I have been told that it is a gift. While I'm not reinventing the wheel, I am impacting my circle with the tools I have been given. It took me a long time to realize that changing the world doesn't always happen on an international stage; it often happens within the heart of one passionate individual. 

There are countless stories throughout the Bible just like those of Moses and Gideon. I'm sure you are tired of reading though. If you made it this far...kudos! I appreciate your dedication! 

If you take nothing else away from this post, take this: God can and will use you. He doesn't need us to be perfect, He is completely fine with using broken, incomplete vessels, for it is in our weakness, our deficit that He is able to complete us and shine brightly. 

So don't ignore those gifts and talents that you do possess. God will use them in combination with His perfect power to change the world from right where you're standing. 

xoxo, 

jkd

A Spirit of Gratitude

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or we can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." 
-Abraham Lincoln

Eventually everything is going to work itself out. It may not be on my timeline, it may not be the picture I painted, but everything will work out. 

It's a line my mom has been feeding me for years. Recently, though, it seems she has had to repeat the truth just a bit more often. I am quite the worrier, and every bump in the road seems to cause me more distress than it should. I have a bad habit of catastrophizing any given situation. I deny there is even a problem, then when that plan falls apart I immediately jump to worst-case scenarios. I go from zero to sixty in no time flat. 

If you would have  caught me a month ago, that is exactly the scene you would have watched unfold. I was in complete denial that there was even the slightest possibility I would not return to campus for the fall semester. Then, in a matter of minutes, everything came crashing down around me. Things tend to hit you harder when you aren't prepared, and I certainly wasn't prepared. 

So telling me five weeks ago that I would be happy - grateful even - probably wouldn't have gone over too well. I would have had to stifle the urge to punch you in the face (Let's be honest, we all know that I would never actually be able to punch anyone, but believe me... the thought would definitely have crossed my mind.)

It's September 30, clearly time to embrace autumn. 

But that is exactly what I am today; I am grateful. 

I am grateful for a school that cared for me enough to make a difficult decision. They recognized how important school was to me. They recognized how high my GPA was, but they also recognized that I would never make the decision to willingly take time away from school. It was through horribly unfair, completely botched protocol, but MVNU and every person I have encountered there truly wants to see me succeed. There are a select few professors and staff members who definitely have changed my life and are willing to do whatever it takes to get me to graduation. 

I am grateful for a God that has a plan for my life. For fifteen years I have kept my head down, and worked diligently to be the perfect little girl. In the midst of pleasing everyone around me though, I got lost. I found myself a college junior with absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had spent the better portion of my high school and college careers pursuing tracks that I believed would make those around me happy. Though I am terrified to follow through with the plans He has for me, I have an odd sense of peace that I know can only come with faith and obedience to Him. 

I am grateful for parents who have supported me. Both my mom and dad have been by my side since day one, but over the past year they have been champs. They have poured thousands of dollars into treatment for me. They have learned about the neurobiology of eating disorders. They have ceaselessly encouraged me, and they have stood behind me in a time of dark uncertainty. While I don't think both are completely on board with me choosing such a drastically different path so late in my college career, it hasn't changed their outlook for my life...They want me to be happy.

I am grateful for teachers who have allowed me to crash their classrooms. Had I been in school I would have continued on as a psychology major and I never would have given teaching a second thought. God works in mysteriously subtle ways. This is not one of those times. There are neon signs flashing all around me directing me through the fork in the road.

The teachers I am assisting have assured me that I am the one doing them the service, but I would be lying if I said it was a one-sided experience. It brings me so much joy to see the process each student goes through. Obviously I am not there every day, nor do I grade every assignment, but when I see students comprehending what they have been taught I feel like a proud mama... Okay, maybe a proud older sister is more accurate.

I probably sound like a broken record. This week's post was really a combination of the happenings of the past month. In just a few short weeks a situation that felt like a catastrophe has completely turned around and I decided now would be as good a time as ever to relay just how grateful I am for this crazy ride. Remember, no matter how bleak a situation seems it will work out and there will always be something for which we can be grateful.

xoxo,
jkd

Plot Twist

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." -Fabienne Fredrickson

I have always been jealous of people who know exactly what they want to do with their life through and after college. From a young age I have been all over the map. It seemed the only thing that remained consistent about my career hopes is that I would work as a scientist in some capacity: a forensic scientist, a doctor, a psychiatrist. Even from a young age I had a desire to do it all.

In high school I dabbled with the idea of pursuing writing as a career, but it just never felt practical. It was too risky, and relied too heavily on talent. As someone who is so unsure of herself that was not a gamble I was willing to take.

The creative arts have always interested me, but I have compartmentalized my life so heavily that I have locked myself in a box without even realizing it. Since I was young I viewed my creativity as a hobby, and my hobby and my career simply could not mix.

I had placed such stringent expectations on what a future career should look like, it left me with few options I wasn't completely passionate about.

Then I went to college.

I entered college as a psychology major. Initially, I was convinced that therapy was the route I wanted to take. In high school it seemed like a solid idea, the best therapists are the ones who have gone through tribulation and made it to the other side, right? My experiences certainly would have given me a unique perspective, an empathy for my clients. While that may have worked in someone else's favor, I could feel it in my bones, it wasn't going to work in my favor. Being a therapist was not the right choice for me.

My sophomore year came and went, and I continued my track as a psychology major. I had ruled therapy out as a potential career, but I had picked up a marketing minor that I was sure I could enjoy. I was walking a fine line. A psychology/marketing combination was creeping into creative territory, but I was comfortable enough with the combination because my advisor assured me that it was an extremely practical choice.

While my minors and intentions have changed, I have remained a psychology major because it has consistently been a science that I have enjoyed...plus there was always the possibility that I could continue on to medical school to pursue psychiatry.

Within a matter of weeks, however, my college career has been turned upside down and it has forced me to regroup and reevaluate the plan I thought I had to graduate with a BA in psychology.

As someone who has always had her foot in the sciences, imagine how surprised I was to be on a leave of absence grading papers four days a week, helping out two English teachers, and considering a career change I never saw coming.

Teaching is always something that has been in the back of my mind, but it is always something I have ignored because of the parameters I placed on a potential career. Even now as I consider it, it just doesn't make sense to me. I have always been the quiet one, the timid introvert. How am I supposed to lead a classroom when I can hardly dominate a conversation?

This idea has been on my heart sporadically for the past five years, but it has been dominating my thoughts since I have been on leave. It is a huge decision to make and I would be lying if I said it didn't paralyze me with fear.

Am I smart enough? Am I tough enough? Can I handle the stress?

A stream of doubtful thoughts have been running through my head on a constant loop.

It is absolutely something I cannot do by my own will, and being terrified is exactly where God wants me to be...it means I am completely reliant on Him. I'm certainly in good company. Moses didn't think he was the most qualified person to communicate God's message. Joshua was afraid to enter the promised land. Gideon asked for confirmation multiple times. Jonah ran in the opposite direction when told to go to Nineveh.

I've spent the last five years doubting, running, and asking for confirmation. Maybe it is time to stop running and lean into the unpredictable, bewildering, terrifying plan God has for me.

xoxo,
jkd

To the Perfectionist

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck

To the perfectionist,

I see you, struggling under a mountain of textbooks, chugging your third cup of coffee, running on three hours of sleep. I see you striving for that 4.0, going the extra mile, keeping a smile on your face as you do it all.

On the surface you are fantastic. You are successful with a list of accolades and achievements that surely got you into your choice of schools, but beneath the facade you are falling apart. Your perfectionistic ways have backed you into a corner, and now you are paralyzed by a fear of failure.

You have had the same hobbies since you were seven, because that was the last time you were able to enjoy a new activity without the primary goal of success. You cannot even entertain the thought of pursuing a degree that captures your whole heart, because the thought of mediocrity is enough to sabotage your passion.  And so you remain within the confines of your comfort zone where you know you will be successful. Administrative assistant? Adoring housewife? Those are undoubtedly positions you cannot botch.

You expect yourself to be flawless, but in striving for perfection you have become completely detached. You no longer pursue goals because they breed pleasure, passion, or pride. You pursue goals to check them off the list. You live for a sense of accomplishment, and you will do anything for achievement. You no longer compete for a love of the game, rather you compete because you know you will win.

In doing it all you have surrendered the joy that makes life so meaningful.

But no one asked you to do it all. No one asked you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. No one asked you to hold society together with your smile.

Letting go of perfection means that you can strive for realistic excellence. Letting go of perfection frees you, because that failure that your perfectionism was terrified of is a vital part of greatness. Perfection is an unattainable illusion, an idea that clouds your expectations; but greatness is a journey, one that inevitably entails getting knocked down and making the deliberate decision to stand up once again.

Failure is not the abhorrent enemy you have made it out to be, (so much easier said than accepted, am I right?) rather failure is the best teacher there is. It allows us to learn from our mistakes, it allows us to grow. The truth is, no one really knows what they are doing. We're all trying to figure this life out day by day, and it is certainly naive to think that you are the only flawed one facing trials.

And so I tell you, do not let a fear of imperfection, a fear of failure hinder you in the pursuit of your dreams.  No, let the fear motivate you to become the best version of yourself. Do not spend the rest of your life pursuing goals that make you feel complacent; spend your life pursuing goals that make you feel fulfilled.

xoxo,
one of you

Quiet Your Heart

"The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear." -Lao Tzu

I am an introvert. 

To say I am an introvert doesn't even begin to cover it, though. I am painfully, painfully shy. In high school I could go a full eight hours without saying a word to anyone. It wasn't that I had nothing to say, it was simply that I did not feel the need to fill every silence with superfluous noise. I am an observer rather than a speaker; I take in what is happening around me and internally process it. I am a quiet girl with a loud mind. Consequently, my biggest trouble comes not in quieting my mouth but in quieting my heart. 

Since learning that I would not return to school this fall, my mind has been running ceaselessly. I am constantly considering what I should be doing to prepare for next semester, I am constantly worrying about what effect this absence will have on my future, and I am constantly reevaluating all major decisions I have made in the recent past. 

But the quieter I become, the more I am able to hear. 

Today, for example, the junior English classes were beginning a new unit learning about the Puritans. As a high school student I would have been taking notes furiously, perhaps apathetic about the subject-matter, trying to remember every last detail so that I would undoubtedly ace the test. Today as I graded papers, though, I was able to look beyond the textbook and take to heart a deeper wisdom that was all too applicable  to my own life. 

After reading Verses Upon the Burning of our House by Anne Bradstreet students analyzed the poem and how the author's Puritan viewpoint influenced her writing. It was evident throughout, that although her house had just burned to the ground, Anne Bradstreet was able to find God amongst the ashes and place her hope in Him. She gave all the glory to God and believed that it was all part of His bigger plan. Surely it was devastating at the time, but she knew that He had better days aligned for her. 

I couldn't help but feel a nudge at my heart as the lesson was being taught. You see, last week was the first week of classes, and this weekend was my first to be spent at home. Without a packed schedule, the emptiness left room for sorrow, frustration, and anxiety to creep in to my heart and question why school had been taken from me. 

But this morning God was there to remind me that He is continuously speaking, I simply need to quiet my heart and listen. Through the lesson plans of an English teacher He reminded me that though situations may seem devastating, He has a grander plan for all of it. Though today may be tough, He has better days awaiting me. 

xoxo, 

jkd

** As of right now I plan on trying to post once a week. Because of time and content I do not know if that will always be possible, but you can tentatively plan on seeing a post from me every Tuesday or Wednesday

Yet the Sun Still Shines

"God is in the business of giving moments of sunlight, warmth, and joy during during the storms as well as speaking a final 'peace' to them." -Carole Mayhall 

Normally I do not make a habit of posting more than once or twice a month, I never find that I have too much to say beyond a monthly post.For the past week, however, my mind has been cluttered and these updates seem to be writing themselves.

Since last Wednesday I have been inundated with positive support, prayers, and kind messages from friends and family alike, and I could not be more grateful. My intention was simply to update everyone on what would be happening this semester with no expectations regarding reactions. I would just like to thank everyone I have spoken to (and even those of you I have not spoken to) for your continued love and support. It truly does leave me speechless. I suppose that is why I write instead.

With all the feedback I have received there is one question that seems to be on everyone's mind. "How do you feel about taking a semester off?"

On Tuesday evening when I got the news that I would not be returning to school, I was devastated. I cried, I sobbed, I hyperventilated...my emotions were certainly running rampant. Since then, though, I have had time to cool down, time to survey the situation, and time to take a breath...and I have found am at peace.

I'm not bitter, I'm not angry.

I am a bit frustrated with how my treatment team handled the whole situation, it is my belief that they shared much too much information with the school, thereby causing my mental state to be questioned more than it should have been.

But it is what it is.

God has seen me through this and He has not only calmed the storm, but He has given me a glimpse of sunshine in the midst of it.

I will not be on campus this semester, but that does not mean I will be sitting at home sulking. During the meeting it was strongly suggested that I get involved in my community to try and keep my mind off the fact that I will not be in Mount Vernon, so that is exactly what I plan on doing.

I have been given the opportunity to return to my high school and help out two of my favorite teachers. These women meant so much to me my sophomore, junior, and senior years, to return and help them out means the world to me. They have continuously spoken words of care and wisdom into my life and I feel so blessed that I get to spend the next few months interacting with such amazing women.

At a time when it seemed that I would be on my own, fending for myself in the middle of a hurricane that turned my world upside down, God placed two women back into my life to pull me through what would have been an otherwise unbearable semester. Whether they know it or not they are gifts from God. Had this opportunity not presented itself, I'm not sure how well I would have faced the next five months.

While I am still not completely sure how I feel about my leave of absence, I am seeing something that looks oddly like gratitude. I would give anything to be back in Mount Vernon, but the alternative that God has crafted for me is not too shabby at all.

xoxo,
jkd

Returning to School?

"The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you'll need for tomorrow." -Robert Tew 

 Many of you who follow this blog know my story or have read the condensed version that I posted on here about six months ago (for newer followers you can read my story here).With that being said, if you know me or have interacted with me for more than five minutes you know how deep my love for education runs.

I love to learn, I love to excel, and I love to push myself to boundaries that seem nearly impossible. I write this, not to boast, but  to set up today's post.

As some of you may remember, I was scheduled to meet with the director of student life back in June. Due to some administrative changes, however, I did not have that meeting until last night. I wasn't delaying a update, I truly had no clue as to my residential status at MVNU.

I come today with an update.

I will start off by saying, if you pray, I could really use it right about now. After reading what I have to say, you will understand why.

Yesterday evening I met with my school counselor and a representative of student life. The purpose of the meeting was to discuss the level of eating disorder behaviors and symptoms I was experiencing, and whether or not I was mentally and physically fit to be a residential student this fall. Much to my displeasure, I got my answer almost immediately.

"We unanimously decided that taking a semester off would be in the best interest of Jordyn." And with those simple words I was forced into a semester-long medical leave of absence.

I honestly cannot remember too much after that point. For 14 years school has been my constant; it has been the peg on which I hang my hat, and in a matter of minutes two people told me that it would be taken away from me.

I held it together for the sake of finishing the meeting, but the second that meeting was over, I broke. I had been in such a state of denial, that getting the decision I did hit harder than a ton of bricks.

All I have ever wanted is to go to school, but it looks like for the next five and a half months that is not going to be an option.

I went through stages of denial and anger last night. Today, waking to this hellish nightmare has left me wanting to bargain. Right now all I can do is throw myself completely into getting my affairs in order. I have professors to meet with, scholarships to take care of, and a room mate who needs to hear the news. I cannot be focused on the fact that I am not returning to school (until spring 2016), if I fixate on that I will surely break down and throw a pity party for one. I cannot let that happen.

For now I have to trust that this is God's will. Sometimes He has to use drastic measures in order to get our attention and I have no doubt that this was my 'drastic measure.' Without something as huge as the absence of school looming over me, I doubt I would have sustained a long period of recovery. With this new motivation, however, I feel more driven than ever to stay in a healthy state of being.

I absolutely hate that this had to happen, but I know that God has a bigger plan for all of this suffering. I know He will use me. He doesn't allow pain without rhyme or reason. He makes all things work together for my good.

"To keep me from becoming conceited there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, but He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

xoxo,
jkd

On Being Weight Restored

"It is an absolute curse to see this eating disorder world, but it is also a gift because since you've seen that world and you're now on the outside you can guide other people through that grey world and into the light. It's a superpower! It's stupid to waste that. If you've had an eating disorder you can recover and you can help other people do that."
 -Natalie Esarey

I have had fragments of blog posts sitting in a pile of drafts for the past few weeks, waiting to be pieced together into a full post. I haven't felt motivated, qualified, or vulnerable enough to share any of my thoughts, but it was a recent video made by my friend Natalie that gave me a little boost of motivation I needed. Thanks, friend.

***

Weight restoration is something I have wanted to talk about for a while, but I never felt confident enough to sit down and write an entire post. Talking about weight is not exactly a dinner table conversation, and as someone who has always been small, I feel somehow disqualified from talking about my own struggles with weight and body image. 

It is a bit ridiculous, and it is something I want to challenge. Size doesn't matter. I am here to say that anyone can have weight insecurities... but from that it is my hope that anyone can also be confident in her skin, advice I am good at giving, but have a hard time receiving. 

Lowest weight vs. Weight Restored

So what does it mean to be weight restored? Being weight restored simply means that I am no longer underweight, I am at a healthy weight and dietitians and medical professionals are okay with a maintenance plan. It means that I am physically stable, that there are no weight related complications that are pressing enough to need attention. 

 I no longer look like I have an eating disorder, therefore I must be fine, right?

Wrong.

What being weight restored doesn't show is the active psychological battle that still rages. I still have the same feelings; I still feel uncomfortable in my body.

Maintaining a healthy weight doesn't mean I am okay, it simply means that I'm stable, and for now stable is a prognosis that I will happily accept. Stable is good, stable is safe.

Stable is certainly uncomfortable though.

As someone who has an extreme fear of gaining weight, being weight restored is definitely difficult. I feel fat, I feel disgusting, I feel unworthy of food. The glorious thing about being at a healthy weight, though, is that my I am able to challenge those thoughts with a brain that is no longer being deprived of food.

While being at a healthy weight doesn't feel warm and fuzzy, my body is functioning normally again, which means that I am better able to address the secondary problems... the ones that no one  can see.

Working on those problems that no one can see is exactly what I plan on doing. Since I last posted my treatment situation has been a little crazy, but I am back at it and ready to tackle whatever my treatment team has to throw at me. I went on vacation and a result was discharged from the Center, but I'm back and I begin Intensive Outpatient treatment on Monday. The hope is that I will continue IOP for the next six to eight weeks to finish out the summer --a way to make sure I stay on track until returning to school.

Thank you all so much for the continued support and words of kindness. Words cannot express my gratitude for such wonderful people in my life.

xoxo,
jkd

Anorexia Has Made Me a Liability

"Not being able to understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending." -Francis Chan

It is no secret that I love school. Since I can remember I have always loved going to school. More than socialization though, I love learning and acquiring a plethora of useful (or useless...) information. I like to think it is one of the reasons why I am so good at jeopardy...

My campus is beautiful.

It was never a question whether or not I would attend college. It was always a fact. I remember being in second grade and knowing without a doubt that I would attend college. At that age I was ambitious enough to think that a four-year degree would more than likely not be where my education ended.

College has always been my goal, and I am so lucky to have made it there. Over the past two years I have fallen absolutely in love with Mount Vernon, and I could not imagine my college experience taking place anywhere else. I have made some of my best friends, I have taken some of the most interesting classes, and I have met professors who have spoken immense wisdom into my life.

Over the past few weeks, however, the remainder of my college experience has been threatened--it only seemed appropriate to share the experience.

It started during finals week.

I was stressing out about exams, and consequently engaging in eating disorder behaviors. It was not the healthiest way to cope with the amount of stress I was experiencing, but it was what I was working with. My counselor at school consequently made the decision that I was not in a state of mind to make safe and healthy decisions for myself. She suggested I be put on a "safety plan."

Had I chosen to attend a public university, this probably would not have been a discussion. Because I go to a private university, though, my anorexia has made me somewhat of a liability to my school. The idea is that if I were to have a spontaneous cardiac episode, the school would be liable if they knew of my condition and did nothing.

As you can imagine, there is a ton of legality and logistics involved in this process. I have a meeting with the director of student life next week to discuss what all of this means for me and my college career. I will definitely update everyone after that happens. There is always the chance that my status as a residential student could be threatened though.

As you can imagine, that has been a hard pill for me to swallow. As of late, I have been in a state of denial. If I do not think about the situation, the situation does not exist. Clearly I'm an expert at handling problems...

One of the biggest factors in fueling my denial is the fact that I have no physical symptoms at the moment. Sure I had a load of side effects at one time (i.e dry skin, purple nails, joint and muscle pain, fatigue, hair loss) but I currently I am not experiencing any of that. As a result I have the mindset that "everything will be fine."

But everything won't be fine.

My status at school is in question,  I would hardly call that fine. This is out of my hands; as a controlling perfectionist you can surely imagine how painful that is. All I can do now is pray that God's plan for my life involves a complete four years at Mount Vernon.

I will definitely update everyone after my meeting next week.

xoxo,
jkd