Plot Twist

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." -Fabienne Fredrickson

I have always been jealous of people who know exactly what they want to do with their life through and after college. From a young age I have been all over the map. It seemed the only thing that remained consistent about my career hopes is that I would work as a scientist in some capacity: a forensic scientist, a doctor, a psychiatrist. Even from a young age I had a desire to do it all.

In high school I dabbled with the idea of pursuing writing as a career, but it just never felt practical. It was too risky, and relied too heavily on talent. As someone who is so unsure of herself that was not a gamble I was willing to take.

The creative arts have always interested me, but I have compartmentalized my life so heavily that I have locked myself in a box without even realizing it. Since I was young I viewed my creativity as a hobby, and my hobby and my career simply could not mix.

I had placed such stringent expectations on what a future career should look like, it left me with few options I wasn't completely passionate about.

Then I went to college.

I entered college as a psychology major. Initially, I was convinced that therapy was the route I wanted to take. In high school it seemed like a solid idea, the best therapists are the ones who have gone through tribulation and made it to the other side, right? My experiences certainly would have given me a unique perspective, an empathy for my clients. While that may have worked in someone else's favor, I could feel it in my bones, it wasn't going to work in my favor. Being a therapist was not the right choice for me.

My sophomore year came and went, and I continued my track as a psychology major. I had ruled therapy out as a potential career, but I had picked up a marketing minor that I was sure I could enjoy. I was walking a fine line. A psychology/marketing combination was creeping into creative territory, but I was comfortable enough with the combination because my advisor assured me that it was an extremely practical choice.

While my minors and intentions have changed, I have remained a psychology major because it has consistently been a science that I have enjoyed...plus there was always the possibility that I could continue on to medical school to pursue psychiatry.

Within a matter of weeks, however, my college career has been turned upside down and it has forced me to regroup and reevaluate the plan I thought I had to graduate with a BA in psychology.

As someone who has always had her foot in the sciences, imagine how surprised I was to be on a leave of absence grading papers four days a week, helping out two English teachers, and considering a career change I never saw coming.

Teaching is always something that has been in the back of my mind, but it is always something I have ignored because of the parameters I placed on a potential career. Even now as I consider it, it just doesn't make sense to me. I have always been the quiet one, the timid introvert. How am I supposed to lead a classroom when I can hardly dominate a conversation?

This idea has been on my heart sporadically for the past five years, but it has been dominating my thoughts since I have been on leave. It is a huge decision to make and I would be lying if I said it didn't paralyze me with fear.

Am I smart enough? Am I tough enough? Can I handle the stress?

A stream of doubtful thoughts have been running through my head on a constant loop.

It is absolutely something I cannot do by my own will, and being terrified is exactly where God wants me to be...it means I am completely reliant on Him. I'm certainly in good company. Moses didn't think he was the most qualified person to communicate God's message. Joshua was afraid to enter the promised land. Gideon asked for confirmation multiple times. Jonah ran in the opposite direction when told to go to Nineveh.

I've spent the last five years doubting, running, and asking for confirmation. Maybe it is time to stop running and lean into the unpredictable, bewildering, terrifying plan God has for me.

xoxo,
jkd