On Day 304 He Gave Me Courage

"Sometimes what you're most afraid of is the very thing that will set you free." -Robert Tew

For ten months I have been terrified that people would find me out. I have a nasty habit of catastrophizing  everything in my head. If anyone found out I was seeking treatment for anorexia they would pass judgement about me, then I would lose all my friends, then my family would stop talking to me, then my school would kick me out for liability reasons, then I would live with my parents forever, and I wouldn't have a college degree and it would have certainly been the end of the world. 

But something strange happened.

As I worked through my second round of treatment, God lit a fire within me. For the first time since I had begun treatment I wanted to share my story; I wanted to tell everyone what I was going through. The day that I posted my story on the internet was ten months to the day that I started treatment. I didn't know what would come of the post, I didn't know how it would be received by friends and family; all I knew was that God had placed a story on my heart and I needed to share it.

The only thing I can possibly say is thank you for the overwhelming love and positivity I was met with. I didn't expect any feedback at all. I didn't expect prayers, or praises for my courage; I certainly didn't expect others to feel comfortable enough to reveal their own struggles.

I've been set free.

I was shocked to know how much people cared. That is not a minimization of the love my friends and family give, rather, it is a minimization of the love I am able to receive. Having an eating disorder is comparable to having a broken record of negative thoughts constantly playing in your head and specific thoughts that constantly run through my head challenge my ability to feel worthy of love. I'm working on it, though.

So, thank you for not rejecting my struggles.

God revealed himself to me through sharing my story, and I could not be more excited to continue sharing! My devotional this morning could not have been any more perfect:

"Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege, where we now stand, and confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory." Romans 5:2 

I feel so blessed that there are people who want to be updated on my recovery process, and I certainly feel privileged to be in a position in which I am able to share. Though the process isn't fun, every letter of my story will be used to glorify Him! 

God is so good!

So it looks like I will be posting periodic updates on my Recovery for everyone who is interested! As of right now I am no longer in Partial Hospitalization (PHP). I have stepped down to the aftercare program (MAP) and have been at that level for about a week as of January 19. 

ALSO-- If anyone is interested, I would really like to post a FAQ of sorts about eating disorders. It is such a taboo topic, and there is not enough (correct) information out there. If there is anything you have ever wanted to know about eating disorders or the treatment process (politically correct or not--I am not easily offended) please let me know. 

xoxo, 

jkd