** All of my personal updates can be viewed under the "updates" tab at the top of the page. Here is a link to my latest update on moving to outpatient and returning to school.
National Eating Disorder Awareness Week starts on February 23, and I thought it would be the perfect platform for addressing some specifics of my eating disorder and try to explain some of the "odd" ways it has manifested itself.
At this point, I would like to think that I have learned a great deal about the biological basis of anorexia. I am in no way an expert, but there are some things I have learned that are extremely fascinating to me. If you are interested in hearing from an expert here is a video of neuro-biology researcher, Dr. Laura Hill,the CEO of the Center for Balanced Living...and the most fantastic woman in the world.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am approaching these topics extremely cautiously because I do not want to send conflicting messages about eating disorders. These are simply a few things I have experienced and have had the chance to learn more about. The manifestation of "symptioms" often appears through food and body image, but there are so many underlying issues. So, though I am talking about issues with food and self-image, this is a biological illness.
Basically, my brain is broken...
I don't feel hungry or full
To put it simply, the hunger and satiety cues are not being received in my brain. Though my stomach may need food, the cues are hitting a metaphorical brick wall because the message is not being passed along.
When I was in the throws of my eating disorder, I could go hours upon hours without eating, because I didn't experience feelings of hunger. Those mechanisms, however, still haven't kicked on. Even though I am in recovery and eating three meals and three snacks a day, it is the clock that prompts meals, not a sense of hunger.
Not only do I not feel hungry, once I start eating, I also do not feel full. This is the main reason why clients are given a meal plan upon entering treatment. If I was left to try and eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full it would be nothing short of disastrous. The hope is that with weight restoration and recovery, mechanisms in the brain will begin "turning back on." That has not happened with my hunger and satiety cues quite yet...hopefully it will someday.
Most foods don't sound or taste good.
The same part of my brain that controls hunger cues also controls how I perceive taste. Initially taste is not something that was affected for me, but recently I have found that foods do not sound good, nor do they taste "good." It is comparable to having the flu--everything tastes bland and flavorless.
As you can probably imagine, when food does not sound or taste good AND I don't feel hungry, it can make eating quite a feat at times. All the mechanisms in my brain are screaming "don't eat! It doesn't even taste good! You aren't hungry!" yet without food I can't survive.... and that is the paradox of an eating disorder.
I have a hard time making decisions
The parts of the brain all rely on signals coming from the insula, and mine is not firing properly. The portion that assists in decision making is not receiving signals that would help a normally functioning person determine whether a decision would be good or bad. My brain has no idea of knowing whether any decision I make will be helpful or have dire consequences because there is no dopamine spike to affirm choices. Whether I am choosing an outfit, looking at an unplanned meal, or even choosing a movie making decisions is a nightmare for me.
My "self-image" is distorted
I think it is safe to say that a lot of people get uncomfortable talking about their own body image...I am no exception to that. It's a well known fact that young women today struggle with negative body image more than ever before. Throwing the conniving tactics of an eating disorder on top of that only adds fuel to the fire.
At this point in my recovery, I still have the thoughts going through my head telling me "you're fat! You are huge! Look how small everyone else is!" I have a hyper-awareness of my body and how it fits in space--unfortunately, that awareness is distorted.
A study out of The Netherlands shows just how different body perceptions can be for someone with an eating disorder.
Though this post probably wasn't the most interesting, I am so passionate about spreading the teachings of Dr. Hill. She has played an enormous roll in my understanding of this disease. Eating disorders have often been mislabeled as "choices," "diets," or "socially provoked." It's comforting for me to know that I did not choose to have an eating disorder--my genetic disposition combined with so many other factors to foster the formation. Once that seed was planted, the smallest bit of trauma caused my brain to misfire.
But I am hopeful about all the research that Dr. Hill shares with us every Wednesday in neurobiology group. There are so many studies taking place, all of which are forging a path to a clearer understanding of the biological aspect of such a destructive disease.
xoxo,
jkd
At this point, I would like to think that I have learned a great deal about the biological basis of anorexia. I am in no way an expert, but there are some things I have learned that are extremely fascinating to me. If you are interested in hearing from an expert here is a video of neuro-biology researcher, Dr. Laura Hill,the CEO of the Center for Balanced Living...and the most fantastic woman in the world.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am approaching these topics extremely cautiously because I do not want to send conflicting messages about eating disorders. These are simply a few things I have experienced and have had the chance to learn more about. The manifestation of "symptioms" often appears through food and body image, but there are so many underlying issues. So, though I am talking about issues with food and self-image, this is a biological illness.
Basically, my brain is broken...
I don't feel hungry or full
To put it simply, the hunger and satiety cues are not being received in my brain. Though my stomach may need food, the cues are hitting a metaphorical brick wall because the message is not being passed along.
When I was in the throws of my eating disorder, I could go hours upon hours without eating, because I didn't experience feelings of hunger. Those mechanisms, however, still haven't kicked on. Even though I am in recovery and eating three meals and three snacks a day, it is the clock that prompts meals, not a sense of hunger.
Not only do I not feel hungry, once I start eating, I also do not feel full. This is the main reason why clients are given a meal plan upon entering treatment. If I was left to try and eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full it would be nothing short of disastrous. The hope is that with weight restoration and recovery, mechanisms in the brain will begin "turning back on." That has not happened with my hunger and satiety cues quite yet...hopefully it will someday.
Most foods don't sound or taste good.
The same part of my brain that controls hunger cues also controls how I perceive taste. Initially taste is not something that was affected for me, but recently I have found that foods do not sound good, nor do they taste "good." It is comparable to having the flu--everything tastes bland and flavorless.
As you can probably imagine, when food does not sound or taste good AND I don't feel hungry, it can make eating quite a feat at times. All the mechanisms in my brain are screaming "don't eat! It doesn't even taste good! You aren't hungry!" yet without food I can't survive.... and that is the paradox of an eating disorder.
I have a hard time making decisions
The parts of the brain all rely on signals coming from the insula, and mine is not firing properly. The portion that assists in decision making is not receiving signals that would help a normally functioning person determine whether a decision would be good or bad. My brain has no idea of knowing whether any decision I make will be helpful or have dire consequences because there is no dopamine spike to affirm choices. Whether I am choosing an outfit, looking at an unplanned meal, or even choosing a movie making decisions is a nightmare for me.
My "self-image" is distorted
I think it is safe to say that a lot of people get uncomfortable talking about their own body image...I am no exception to that. It's a well known fact that young women today struggle with negative body image more than ever before. Throwing the conniving tactics of an eating disorder on top of that only adds fuel to the fire.
At this point in my recovery, I still have the thoughts going through my head telling me "you're fat! You are huge! Look how small everyone else is!" I have a hyper-awareness of my body and how it fits in space--unfortunately, that awareness is distorted.
A study out of The Netherlands shows just how different body perceptions can be for someone with an eating disorder.
The study asked that 39 people — 19 diagnosed with anorexia, 20 without — walk through doorways of various widths and gauged how each person attempted it without their knowledge that this was the actual study. (They were given a mental distraction as they walked, so that they wouldn't be conscious of their physical behavior.)The results showed that people without anorexia began to rotate their shoulders sideways to fit through doors when the frames were 25 percent wider than their shoulders — but those suffering from anorexia attempted this "squeeze" when the doors were a full 40 percent wider than their shoulders, through which they could easily pass without rotating their shoulders and entering sideways. In other words, they mistakenly consider themselves too heavy to fit through the door.
Though this post probably wasn't the most interesting, I am so passionate about spreading the teachings of Dr. Hill. She has played an enormous roll in my understanding of this disease. Eating disorders have often been mislabeled as "choices," "diets," or "socially provoked." It's comforting for me to know that I did not choose to have an eating disorder--my genetic disposition combined with so many other factors to foster the formation. Once that seed was planted, the smallest bit of trauma caused my brain to misfire.
But I am hopeful about all the research that Dr. Hill shares with us every Wednesday in neurobiology group. There are so many studies taking place, all of which are forging a path to a clearer understanding of the biological aspect of such a destructive disease.
xoxo,
jkd
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