Recovery is Exhausting

"The hardest battle is between what you know and what you feel" -Unknown

I go into this post with the knowledge that what I have to say probably will not make a ton of sense. I suppose that is the reason why I created this blog, though: to shed light on pieces of my experience that don't make any sense. My only disclaimer would be to keep an open mind.

We all have rough days and when I decided to put my story out there, I promised to document the good days along with the bad days.

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January 27, 2015

This week has been hard.

Last week I found out that I would be transitioning out of MAP, moving to outpatient, and going back to school, all happening within a span of a few days. I was extremely excited to be done with treatment, and I am so excited to go back to school.

But I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.

I am anticipating everything that will happen when I do return to school. Will I be able to handle it? Will I revert to old coping mechanisms? Will I be able to follow my meal plan and movement plan? My brain is brewing up worst case scenarios. What if I return to school and everyone comments on how much weight I've gained and it causes me to throw everything I have learned over the past 11 weeks out the window? What if I fail? What if I have to go back to treatment for a third time? What if I can't finish school? These are some of the more mild thoughts running through my head right now.

The anticipation, as you can tell, hasn't been healthy anticipation. It is catastrophizing at its finest and it has certainly taken a toll on the successful streak I have been on for the past few weeks.

My anxiety has been so high, which has made everything else impossibly hard. I am irritated by every. little. thing. I'm never hungry. I've been skipping meals and snacks because I really just don't want to eat! I am so frustrated that something so fundamental is so hard for me to do.

My anxiety has caused me to abuse my movement plan as well. I have been feeling compulsions for constant movement. I need to be moving, organizing, or cleaning in order for my anxiety to feel manageable. Every day this week has been super challenging and it feels like the physical discomfort will never end.

My thoughts are screaming and it is exhausting to have to fight them day in and day out. I just want a break from recovery. Can't I just take a vacation for a few days? I need some sunshine and about 75 hours of sleep. ED thoughts and worrying both use way too much mental energy.

By worrying about what will happen next week, I have stopped living in the moment--which is the only place I can afford to be right now. Worrying about next week will not resolve the situations I am brewing up, but it has made each day this week more difficult.

Moral of the story: be mindful and live in the moment because right now is the only moment that I have the ability to control. [Let's be real, God controls it all, but He doesn't tell us to live in the past or in the future. He tells us to lean on him in each present moment.]

On a positive note: tomorrow is a new day. I will be at The Center bright and early, and IT'S NEURO DAY! (aka the best day ever!) #NeurowithDr.Hill. I can let a few rough days kick me around, or I can choose to continually recommit to a recovered life.

xoxo,
jkd